VLR squad: Jay, Del, Beard, Ejay, Leggy and Niall.
After everyone sitting in the lobby for a fair while chatting, we managed to get the reserves to leave and got down to it. First game was Domination on Afghan. Jay (hosting) started the game...then ended it immediately as GDs had seven on their teams. After the false start, the game recommenced. We cheekily used our experience from the false start to sort neatly who was running B and who running C, so started the game with both bases. GDs quickly managed to take one back off us though, but we responded and took one back ourselves. The game went on much like this for the rest of the game; a ding dong battle with bases exchanging between teams. The layout of Afghan means the bases are placed roughly in a circle, rather than in a line like most maps, which meant it was difficult to hold two bases for any length of time. Some great captures from Niall, and a well organized defence with plenty of communication over the headset meant we could edge them out 200-179 for a good start, despite me spending a lot of time stood next to attacking enemies without realising they were there.
Then came Hardcore TDM on Karachi. With all due respect, we blitzed them on this. Jay mentioned that for this people should switch to UAV as a killstreak, and we pumped in the UAVs (even though mine seemed to be set up wrong) and had the GDs' score pretty much doubled for the whole match. Leggy played like a beast and lead us to a 7500-4200 victory.
This meant we had won the best of three match, but we carried on to play the final game regardless, Beard encouraging us to push for the whitewash. It was Search and Destroy on Terminal. VLR struggled at the beginning, Dano in particular gave us a lot of trouble as the GDs took the first few rounds convincingly. I played like a lemon, struggled immensely and was on 0-4 (though if my memory serves me correctly Beard was too...) I switched to the riot shield which got me a few kills, and a special mention goes to Beard for a heroic effort to leap a fence for a care package...however I imagine his sense of triumph was lessened somewhat when it turned out to be a resupply. We managed to claw it back to 3-3 and overtime, but in the final round GDs were too strong and they took the win 4-3.
The final score, then, was 2-1 to VLR. A well faught game played in good spirits by both teams - thanks to Dano and the Gamerdads. A strong competitive debut for VRL with some great communication over the headsets. Well done guys.
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Quotes of the Month (March 2009)
Skittles: random but why are people in england so boring about halloween?
mattmod : it's march.....
Rob: Well done Treyarch! ...... Just because I'm not sure that would ever get said
Redrebel's response to GG (of Killzone2 fame) QA manager Seb Downie
redrebel : playing that again was like sleeping with an ex and realising i hated them (In reference to playing WaW after Killzone2)
mattmod : it's march.....
Rob: Well done Treyarch! ...... Just because I'm not sure that would ever get said
Redrebel's response to GG (of Killzone2 fame) QA manager Seb Downie
redrebel : playing that again was like sleeping with an ex and realising i hated them (In reference to playing WaW after Killzone2)
OPF Post of the Month
New this month, we've added a small, but perfectly formed section that hopes to promote a particularly impressive post found on the OPF (Official Playstation Forums) - this post might be enlightening, promote a hearty debate or just be down-right hilarious.
For this month we have this, The Ten Rules of Online Gaming
Enjoy!
Killzone 2 Saboteur Class guide
Ranking and Ribbons
How to unlock: earn 2300 total points
The saboteur class is made for those who like to sneak around the battlefield. He is great for confusing the enemy team in Killzone 2.
Primary Badge: Colonel (Disguise Ability)
The Colonel Primary Badge lets you disguise yourself as one of the enemies. His disguise will disappear once he shoots his weapon or when he gets injured.
Secondary Badge: Master of Disguise (C4 Ability)
Requirement: 8 Disguise Specialist Ribbons (kill 5 enemies while disguised for one round)
The saboteur will get three C4 proximity mines once you acquire 8 Disguise Specialist Ribbons.
Combinable Secondary Badge:
8 C4 Specialist Ribbons (kill 5 enemies via C4 in one round)
One you got 8 C4 Specialist Ribbons, you can use the C4 ability with other classes.
Saboteur class gameplay
Saboteur guns
Main Weapons: STA11 Submachine Gun and STA14 Rifle
You'll find as a saboteur you'll be equipped with either the ISA or Helghast sub machine guns. If you've played through the main game you may already be
Familiar with their use, but not to worry if not. As you might expect with a sub it’s going to be most effective up close. You should find these guns to be
Lighter than the assault rifles for example, however, it is less powerful overall. So it’s quicker but slightly less powerful, now use this to your advantage
and use that quick aim to go for headshots; headshots in this game are one hit kill. There’s a fair bit of recoil on these guns so the best method is to carry
your cross hair around chest level and as you fire let the recoil take the gun up towards the head. Remember you have a greater mobility than most so use
that, move around, strafe your targets if they're shooting back and you should have the advantage. The sub machine guns are not a range weapon, so your
scope/aim (L1) will rarely be used, in fact you're going to be most vulnerable, most stationary, whilst looking down the sights. Stick with the hip firing,
account for the recoil by aiming around chest level, get up close and personal.
That's the standard gun play covered but its well worth mentioning 'gun salvage'. Anyone who dies on the battlefield drops there weapon available for your
salvage. Their weapon becomes available after they completely die, not during the revive animation, if an enemy in lingering about give them a whack with
your rifle to sort them out. Gun salvage is great for anyone who simply cannot get to grips with the sub machine guns that come as standard, but its also very useful for switching up your approach and adding variety to your attacks. Once you pick up a gun you can use it as if it were yours; so if you're looking to get kills at distance grab an assault rifle or even a sniper. Be wary at range or sniping against other snipers because if they have the "spot &
mark" ability they'll see you through your disguise. Medium range with an assault rifle would be a good idea as at that distance your disguise works best. If
you're looking to get up close to your enemy or you're in a tight map with corridors the shotgun is a very effective weapon salvage for the saboteur. Be
wary that up very close your enemy can quite plainly see through any disguise, but at that time you should've blown their face off
Earning Ribbons
Primary Badge - Your primary badge is achieved by simply killing 5 enemies while disguised. This is one of the easier badges to get, if you can time your
disguise right.
In getting this ribbon you don't need to concern yourself with whether enemy has seen through your disguise or not, all that matters is you get a kill with
your disguise on. Some tips for effective use of disguise, explained later, will perhaps come in handy for getting a few kills but you really don't need to
concern yourself too much at this stage, just concentrate on getting a kill with the disguise equipped. So the most important thing to understand here is when
you actually have your disguise equipped. Knowing when your disguise is up is a bit more tricky in the heat of battle and in dark areas of maps than you might
think at first. When disguised the screen will be boarder top and bottom with black, restricting your view slightly, learn to recognise this and recognise the
difference between when you are disguised or not. If you receive any damage or fire a shot this will take away your disguise. So once you start shooting be
sure to get that kill.
Secondary Badge - For this ribbon you need to achieve 5 C4 kills in a game. I'll ask you here to refer to the C4 tips, learn and follow those well and
you'll be fine. It may take a few games to get the hang of this and use it effectively, but one you're up to speed it will be 8 successful games to get the
ribbon.
Tips for use of Disguise
Your disguise is used by pressing the left direction pad button. When its active the screen will be bordered top and bottom with black, restricting your
view slightly, learn to recognise this and recognise the difference between when you are disguised or not. If you receive any damage or fire a shot this will
take away your disguise. So once you start shooting be sure to get that kill. Once you shoot you still have a slight delay until the disguise expires, if
you're quick you can achieve 2 or even 3 kills before the disguise is up, remember headshots!.
- The first and most important use of the disguise is to try and act like the enemies teammate. The next points will cover some techniques more effectively,
but this is your sole aim. You need to avoid arousing suspicion until you decide to attack or reach your objective. Try and think about what their teammates
would do, also how you act to your teammates, to more effectively act like them. E.g. you wouldn't run directly at or look directly at a teammate, you ignore
them, they mean nothing to you. You wouldn't sprint back into your base unless you were taking cover from a fire fight or seeking ammo, try to act like your
are on their team.
- Put on your disguise when you are unseen. Never when there are enemies near by, and can see you.
- Do not travel with your teammates while disguised. The detrimental affect of this can vary, but its fairly obvious to a keen eyed enemy that you wouldn't
be travelling with his enemy if you were really on his team.
- Don't use your disguise when in your own teams base. Its quite clear to the enemy that you won't be on his team if you've just walked out of the enemies
base unscathed
- Don't use your teams ammo crates when the enemy can see you. They will know you're not on their team if they see you able to use crates from the other
team.
- Don't run directly at your enemy. You will get a split second advantage as they consider if you are a teammate, if this is enough for you in the situation
feel free to use this. But in games with friendly fire off, where someone knows saboteurs are operating they will likely shoot at anyone who runs directly at
them.
- Use sprint effectively. If you're sprinting into the enemies area you arouse a lot of suspicion. Take things a bit slower, use sprint conservatively for
flanking around the enemy in quiet areas.
- Distance is better for disguise. The further you are from the enemy the better your disguise is, the less able they are to notice you not on their map, or
the difference in team lights. Flanking wide around the map at a safe distance is a great way to get in amongst the enemy and to objectives
- You can throw grenades without loosing your disguise. Very useful for sneaking up on your enemy and taking out tightly packed groups. If they didn't see
you throw or the trial they might not even suspect you
- Beware Turrets. Turrets can see you regardless of disguise and will fire as normal. Avoid them where possible because even if they don't hit you if an enemy
sees them shooting at you your cover is blown
To summarise you lose your disguise if
-You are shot
-You take damage from a grenade
-You shoot at someone, hitting your target, you have about 3-5 seconds before your disguise resets
C4 tips
C4 is selected by pressing the right direction pad button, and displayed in the bottom left of your screen. They are then place by pressing fire, and yourcharacter will throw them down, if you aim is further up this will add some distance to the throw and so you can throw them over ledges and over low objects.
Indicator lights are also shown in the bottom left of your screen indicating the number of C4's you have. You start with 3 and once placed you'll need to
wait either until they explode or a significant time until you can place more, so be wise in their use and follow the tips below. At first you may think C4
is not that powerful, one C4 will not kill outright, unless the enemy is already wounded. 2No C4 will most enemies outright, so you should look to place at
least two together, next to each other in order that both explode over one enemy. Its worth mentioning that if your enemy is using the assault class they can
withstand more damage and these guys may need all 3 C4's to take an instant kill.
Tips for placing C4
- Drop them in enclosed areas, such as corridors and doorways. Bottlenecks where you enemy has to pass through a restricted area will grant you more chance
that they'll run directly over them and take the full blast.
- Drop then in high traffic areas, where your enemy is likely to pass though. Objective games are great for this as the route from one point to another for
your enemy will become more obvious
- Read the battlefield. As above you'll need to be aware of the objectives and the routes your enemy is likely to take around the map. Be away of where the
enemy is spawning and the routes they'll take to the main battle areas and objective
- Drop them near your enemies spawn points. Do not place them directly near the spawn as your enemy will still have the 'spawn shield' on for a limited time.
Try to get them on the route out from spawn, where the enemy will be a few seconds after they spawn and run out of the area. Doorways and corridors are the
most effective places.
- Ammo crates, this is highly devious and can be very effective. You'll need to be reading the battle to see which ammo crates your enemy is likely to use.
You'll want one fairly near but back from the front line, to catch out the enemies fighters who use all their ammo and retreat back to find some more. The
crate itself may also blow up, further increasing the blast damage
- Avoid the heat of battle. You don't want to place C4 in the most active battle areas. Here they would get triggered by grenades, gunfire or other
explosions and you'll not be getting many kills. You need to place the C4 on the routes between the enemies spawn and the 'heat of battle' to take out all
the guys running from spawn into the battle.
- Stairs can be less effective as the adjacent step can absorb some of the blast, meaning your enemy is higher up and slightly away from the blast.
Finding saboteurs
Whether you're going to play as saboteur or not, its well worth knowing how to spot one
-Looking at a disguised saboteur at point blank makes your crosshairs go red, meaning it's an enemy! Shotgun or SMG wielding soldiers are at an advantage in
this case!
-The disguise is disabled for a refresh rate 30 seconds if it has been knocked off by them firing a shot or getting wounded.
Switching to a handgun and firing a single shot at your teammates torso's deals little damage, but unmasks any enemies, and also sets you up for more
preemptive shots at the saboteur before he can turn around!
-C4 goes bang!
Mind your step, the C4's are a small box with a team coloured light on them. Keep an eye out for these, if you read the C4 guide above you'll know where they are best placed, be mindful of them. While one C4 may not kill a soldier, 2 or more stacked in one place is enough, and the saboteur or his friends may be
nearby to finish the job! Also, C4 detonation doesn't force them to uncloak, meaning you should be wary of your current companions too!
- Machines see all.
Turrets and bots see through the disguise, so to secure an area, place one where lots of friendly and enemy soldiers are likely to come. It'll help secure the area and uncover spies
- Not like the other boys
Enemy Saboteurs don't have glowing parts in team colours in the same way that the rest of your team does. Learn through experience to spot the difference,
once you've mastered this they can be fairly easy to recognise.
-Experienced Snipers see all
If a sniper has and is using the "spot and mark" on they can spot you and mark you. You will then show up on the mini map as a red dot
- They will not appear on your radar as an ally
Probably the most important one, keep an eye on your radar, don't see a dot to represent that teammate you see? its a saboteur, simple and effective.
Fiction (MGS): Agent Decoy Pt1
The art of impersonation is very flexible, whether it’s for entertainment, psychological, or espionage purposes, copying another person has many different degrees of authenticity. Good impersonation comedians retrieve humour out of a public figure’s mannerisms, and while still keeping true to the subject material; create comedic situations for an audience’s entertainment. Then there’s spies, who may or may not have to pass themselves off as other people to be successful in their line of work. Deception is crucial here, as anything out of place could blow their cover. I take impersonation to another level. I not only manufacture my appearance to be successful down to the most minute detail, for each assignment I go through an arduous routine of information collecting and behavioural hypnosis to become the person I am impersonating. I even go as far as killing target and using their blood in my own body. My name is Agent Decoy.
I am the best impersonation artist in the world; I am able to perfectly mimic anyone in the world, provided I have observed his or her natural behaviour first. Of course, my services don’t come cheap, and my assignments don’t come simple. I am an agent of the CIA, and I work for them in protecting the country from foreign governments, organisations, and persons looking to attack the USA.
The call comes in; my Commanding Officer gives me the details in his usual gravelly tones. This time I’m off to Peru – “A medium size drug-trafficking operation has purchased some sensitive documents concerning high ranking government officials and details on top secret activities. It’s your job to retrieve the documents, destroy the smugglers’ warehouse and return safely.”
“Why me?” I ask.
“The smugglers don’t intend on keeping the documents, they’re going to sell them to the crew of a Somali pirate ship. Security is on high alert; the meeting is taking place within the warehouse and only the bosses of both parties will be granted access. Our regular agents would find entrance to the warehouse impossible. We’ve been tracking the smugglers for a while now and have decided that this meeting is the only chance we have, your deception skills are crucial to this operation.”
“Somali pirates? What are they going to do with the documents?”
“We don’t know. If you can find out, we would be grateful.”
“Will there be any outside help?”
“Absolutely not, no-one else was factored into the simulation apart from you. This will be a solo mission.” he barks at me.
“Simulation? Are you feeling all right, James? You sound a little different than usual.”
“I’m fine, now prepare for departure. We are coming to pick you up in one hour.”
He hangs up before I even have time to say goodbye. This was obviously an important mission; I’ve never heard James so systematic before.
In the car, there’s a file waiting for me on the back seat. It gives details about the bosses of the Somali and the Peruvian smugglers, a map of the area, and printed in bold across the page there is the notification: “The contents of the stolen documents are property of the US Government – under no circumstances are you permitted to read them”. This was worrying, the file noted that the smugglers have a guard force of 150 men; each armed with assault rifles and trained to an army level of precision. The Somalis were also not taking any chances; they had enlisted the help of a group of 3 ex-Egyptian Navy SEALS Special Forces mercenaries to oversee the deal. Whatever was in these documents was extremely volatile; I couldn’t help feeling a little anxious. I had never been sent on something so big before, my usual line of work involved posing as businessmen and influencing board meetings, sometimes impersonating Senators and Congressmen and having them commit crimes or scandals, with which they can be blackmailed with later. No matter how good their alibi, no one can argue with seeing themselves on CCTV, holding the staff of a convenience store at gunpoint. On top of the file is a suppressed Beretta M9, my usual choice of personal weapon.
When we arrive at the airport they lead me to my private flight just like usual, and inside there is my regular equipment. Everything I need is contained in two briefcases; facial putty and paint, fake hair, retinal contact lens kit, and fingerprint reproduction kit in one case, and my blood transfusion machine in the other. In the past, I used to only use the more specialised kit if it were necessary, such as to fool biometric scanners, but after my cover was blown by an unscheduled drugs test, I don’t take any chances anymore.
The agency has booked me into a small hotel about half a mile away from the warehouse. I lay down my cases on the table in the corner and get to work. The first order of business is to find a target. The two pirate bosses are staying in the same hotel one floor down, luckily for me they are in separate rooms. Their money is in another room, being guarded by the Navy SEALS. The meeting is tomorrow, and for tonight, the Intel mentions, it is likely that the bosses will spend it in the local nightclubs. I leave my room and find the nearest cleaners’ closet, I change into a uniform and start vacuum cleaning the corridor outside the bosses’ rooms. After a couple of times up and down, one of them emerges – it’s Yusuf Samaka Guleed. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a smart grey shirt, and knocks on the Navy SEALS’ door. He looks down the corridor at me; I smile at him and look down at the carpet, which by now is spotless. If I don’t find another job to do he might become suspicious of me, so I head back into the cleaners’ closet, pull a stepladder out into the corridor, and start cleaning the ceiling with a feather duster from on top of it. When I look back at Guleed, the other Somali boss has now joined him: Abdi Omar Khalid, who the Intel describes as “a high-spirited party animal”. When they are standing side by side, it becomes apparent that Guleed is slightly nervous, or rather, was nervous - he has a stony-faced expression, and appears to be wound up by Khalid’s juvenile behaviour. I can’t hear what they are saying from here, but a few words are spoken through the SEALS’ now open door. Two SEALS, dressed in uninteresting black suits, leave the room and follow Guleed and Khalid down the corridor to the exit. I rush over to Guleed’s room, pick the lock and let myself in. There’s nothing particularly out of place here; everything is neat and tidy, and there’s no sign of any notes or instructions about the meeting. I quickly plant a bug in the ceiling fan and let myself out. The hotel doors lock themselves when you exit so there’s no need to pick the lock back to its original state. Khalid’s room is a bit messier, but again, there are no notes or instructions anywhere in the room. After planting the second bug in Khalid’s fan I return to my room, where I prepare the bug’s receiver, a tape recorder, and a notepad and pen on the desk.
In the middle of the night the receiver springs into life; Guleed’s room door opens and fills the room with noisy drunken banter. Among the voices is a woman, who seems restless, and speaking in Spanish, says “Come on Abdi, let’s go to your room”. Khalid tells her to wait outside while they have an important business talk. This is what I’ve been waiting for; I have been forming a plan for a few hours now. If I can appear as either Guleed or Khalid, I will then have an armed escort all the way to the meeting point, and be within touching distance of the documents. To achieve this however, I need to hear them speak naturally. I learned Somali along with the major African languages about 6 years ago, but haven’t really had a chance to use it, until now.
“Alright Abdi, you need to hear this. Abdi? Abdi, look at me.”
“Yes, yes, calm down. What is it now?
“It’s about the meeting tomorrow. It’s very important you know what we are supposed to be doing”
“I already know about it. God, you are like my mother sometimes, Yusuf.”
“Fine then, what is the plan?”
Khalid sighs, and while he is talking I hear the fizz of a beer can opening.
“In the morning we go down to the warehouse, and buy the stupid documents. Simple.”
“What time in the morning?”
“About half 10.”
“Exactly half ten. We let the SEALS carry the money case down to the warehouse, and let the smugglers count the money. If we are late they will call it off and we will be in deep shit. You know what they’re like when something goes wrong.”
The creak of a chair indicates one of them is now sitting down.
“Why? What’s so important about these documents anyway?
“I don’t know. Apparently it’s just a list of names, but even that isn’t certain. Anyway, you’d better get some sleep. Tell that cheap hooker to go home”
The door creaks open.
“I think she’s gone. Oh well, good night Yusuf.”
“Good night Abdi. Remember, we need to be there by half ten, so be ready to leave at about 9:45.”
The door closes.
After listening to the conversation on the tape recorder again, I grab the two suitcases and put the M9 in the jacket pocket and make my way to Guleed’s room. I put the cases down in front of the door and take the pistol out of my pocket, ready to fire, and knock on the door.
I am going to imitate Guleed; therefore I need to be able to copy his facial features and extract enough blood to keep me alive for the duration of the mission, so I cannot risk shooting him in the head.
In films and TV, suppressors are portrayed inaccurately; apparently they make little to no noise whatever gun they are on. Even the blast from a 50-cal sniper rifle is reduced to a tiny “phoot” sound, but this isn’t the case at all. Although they do reduce the sound considerably, it is still enough to be heard through the thin walls of a hotel.
When Guleed opens the door, I press the gun into his chest and shoot 3 rounds without hesitation into his heart. Getting the gun so close helps the suppressor muffle the gunshot. Guleed jumps back from the shock, but all 3 bullets have gone straight through his heart, resulting in minimal blood loss, and an immediate death.
When I first started my career, I paid a doctor to medically shave the bones of my face and pull my hairline back to make my face more generic and therefore easier to copy other people. The transfusion machine has about 30 tentacles that can remove blood from one body while pumping it into another. After dragging Guleed’s body into the bathroom I set it draining his blood and storing it in the device’s compartment. Meanwhile, I mould the putty around my face to start copying his high cheekbones and defined brow. It’s painstaking work; I finish planting the individual hairs on my head at around 4am. I look back at him lying in the bathtub, at his expressionless face, and back at the mirror. Apart from his skin being much paler than it was before due to the lack of blood, I look exactly like him, even down to the small scar on his chin and the mole on the back of his neck.
You can’t turn yourself into a doppelganger by just acting like someone - that’s impossible; instead, you have to become the person you are imitating. On each assignment I put myself into a state of hypnosis, surrounded by the target’s personal items and playing a loop of his voice if I can get it. By the time I wake up, I have fully transcended into believing I actually am the target; I talk like them, move like them, even think like them. I feel like a completely different person. Also, I know it sounds crazy, but since I started swapping my blood the process has become even easier; it’s like some of their life force is contained in the blood. I wouldn’t have believed it myself until I experienced it first hand. Tonight is no different; I unplug the transfusion machine from Guleed’s now stiff body and wheel it into the bedroom, lie down on his bed in his clothes surrounded by his personal items and hook myself up to the machine. As I start to drift off, Guleed’s reheated blood seeps into my veins and arteries.
Of course, no matter how mentally involved I am, I’d be dead within a few hours if it wasn’t for the anti-rejection drugs. These delay the most severe transfusion reactions like acute haemolytic reaction and bacterial infection for at least 12 hours. As long as I get back to my own blood within that time, there are no lasting health problems, besides a fever or dyspnoea every now and then.
My alarm clock bursts to life and blares away inches away from my ears. My muscles snap into action as I fling the sheets off me and slam my hand down on the clock. A powerful migraine crackles through my forehead; sitting on the edge of the bed, I can barely keep my eyes open. So tired… what time did I get to bed last night? I’m already dressed… did I fall asleep in my clothes? I can’t remember anything besides the conversation I had with Abdi. In fact, it feels I’ve been dreaming about it all night, the whole conversation, repeating again and again, all night long. Word for word, it’s all I can think of. “Remember, we need to be there by half ten, so be ready to leave at about 9:45.” These documents must be important if it’s playing on my mind like this. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I splash some cold, soothing water on my face. My head hurts so much… I sluggishly get up and walk over to the bathroom door, but it’s locked… Did I lock it? Do I even have the key? Never mind, a bottle of fruit juice from the mini-bar will have to do for now, I’m sure a cleaner will unlock it for me when it’s time to leave. I have to go and get the others awake. Hopefully there’s enough time for some breakfast before we set off to the meeting. I open my hotel room door and walk along the clean corridor, when I realise that I don’t actually know where Abdi’s room is. I know where the SEALS’ room is though, so I knock on their door instead. The door opens in an instant, and a pair of vigilant brown eyes stares back at me. One of the three SEALS, he’s dressed in the same plain suit as the last time I saw him.
“Are you both ready?” He says.
These SEALS may have been trained how to kill people in a split-second, but nobody taught them how to hide it. This man’s eyes provoke fear in me like some kind of acute reaction, in the same way that you instinctively know that spiders or snakes are dangerous, you can tell that this man is a killer. It’s all over him.
“Err, yeah, yeah. Well, I am. I can’t remember which room Abdi is in.”
“Right, I’ll get him.”
The SEAL walks out of his room and along the corridor. Before the door closes I peek into the room; I notice a sleeping bag at the foot of the bed. I follow the SEAL down the corridor; he stops only a few doors down, and knocks sharply. Abdi, struggling to put on a tie, opens the door.
“Whoa! Who sent the gorilla?!” he blurts out.
The SEAL doesn’t react. He just stares straight into his eyes for a few seconds. That same terror feeling that I just had spreads across Abdi’s face.
“It’s time.” He casually declares, and walks back to his room. Abdi looks relieved to see him walking away.“Yusuf, I though it was you who knocked.”
Sometimes, Abdi’s foolishness really gets on my nerves.
“You really need to start thinking before you open that mouth of yours. It’s going to get you killed one of these days, and by “you” I mean “us”.
Abdi still hasn’t managed to sort out his tie.
“Come here you big child. Do I have to do everything for you?”
Standing close in front of him, I look over his shoulder into his room. The hooker from last night is lying in his bed, and there’s beer bottles sprawled all over the floor.
“You said she’d gone! What the hell, Abdi? God, I can’t believe you’d ignore me like this.”
Before I have a chance to knock some sense into him, the SEALS come out of their room and walk towards us. One of them is talking on a cell phone giving a status update to our bosses; another one is carrying the money briefcase.“We’ll have to continue this later, it’s time to go.”
It is a strange sight, seeing 3 huge, scarred, burly men crowding round a tiny table, eating waffles, but nobody else seems to notice apart from me. We’d stopped at this small, open area café next to a busy road for breakfast. A never ending stream of people and cars pass by, some of them only a few feet away from these unflinching men. It’s like I’m the only one that can see their battle-hardened personas. And with that, I can’t escape the nagging sense at the back of my mind that something doesn’t feel right. Last night must have really messed me up – I still can’t remember a thing. When I do try and remember, all I can think of, the thing that clouds my mind, is today’s meeting; the documents. I’m sure everything will become clear as my hangover wears off.
We get there well before the deadline. With the SEALS leading the way, we arrive at the smugglers’ filthy warehouse. On the outskirts of the city, down a long, dusty track is a grey, grimy tin structure. The taxi driver drops us off with at least a 100 metre walk left to do. Of course, Abdi complains, but nobody responds to him.
One of the Peruvian bosses meets us at the entrance, and leads us past the armed guards into an office room near the back. On the way, we pass through 2 huge spaces, filled with hundreds of large crates, stacked on top of each other. A few trucks parked in one of the rooms are filled with loads of white, neatly packed parcels. Surprisingly, the inside of the warehouse is quite clean, and most of the guards are inside guarding the shipments. I guess they do this to avoid any police suspicion. Because our guide only speaks Spanish, we don’t understand a word he says until we get into the office room, where one of the people there introduces himself as a translator. We are sat down on one side of a long table, with the smugglers on the other side. Someone comes through a door behind the smugglers side, and lays the documents down on the table. And then it hits me… That nagging feeling I had… My memory loss. It all comes back in an instant… I’m not Guleed. I’m Agent Decoy. I have to steal the documents and destroy the warehouse.
To be continued
I am the best impersonation artist in the world; I am able to perfectly mimic anyone in the world, provided I have observed his or her natural behaviour first. Of course, my services don’t come cheap, and my assignments don’t come simple. I am an agent of the CIA, and I work for them in protecting the country from foreign governments, organisations, and persons looking to attack the USA.
The call comes in; my Commanding Officer gives me the details in his usual gravelly tones. This time I’m off to Peru – “A medium size drug-trafficking operation has purchased some sensitive documents concerning high ranking government officials and details on top secret activities. It’s your job to retrieve the documents, destroy the smugglers’ warehouse and return safely.”
“Why me?” I ask.
“The smugglers don’t intend on keeping the documents, they’re going to sell them to the crew of a Somali pirate ship. Security is on high alert; the meeting is taking place within the warehouse and only the bosses of both parties will be granted access. Our regular agents would find entrance to the warehouse impossible. We’ve been tracking the smugglers for a while now and have decided that this meeting is the only chance we have, your deception skills are crucial to this operation.”
“Somali pirates? What are they going to do with the documents?”
“We don’t know. If you can find out, we would be grateful.”
“Will there be any outside help?”
“Absolutely not, no-one else was factored into the simulation apart from you. This will be a solo mission.” he barks at me.
“Simulation? Are you feeling all right, James? You sound a little different than usual.”
“I’m fine, now prepare for departure. We are coming to pick you up in one hour.”
He hangs up before I even have time to say goodbye. This was obviously an important mission; I’ve never heard James so systematic before.
In the car, there’s a file waiting for me on the back seat. It gives details about the bosses of the Somali and the Peruvian smugglers, a map of the area, and printed in bold across the page there is the notification: “The contents of the stolen documents are property of the US Government – under no circumstances are you permitted to read them”. This was worrying, the file noted that the smugglers have a guard force of 150 men; each armed with assault rifles and trained to an army level of precision. The Somalis were also not taking any chances; they had enlisted the help of a group of 3 ex-Egyptian Navy SEALS Special Forces mercenaries to oversee the deal. Whatever was in these documents was extremely volatile; I couldn’t help feeling a little anxious. I had never been sent on something so big before, my usual line of work involved posing as businessmen and influencing board meetings, sometimes impersonating Senators and Congressmen and having them commit crimes or scandals, with which they can be blackmailed with later. No matter how good their alibi, no one can argue with seeing themselves on CCTV, holding the staff of a convenience store at gunpoint. On top of the file is a suppressed Beretta M9, my usual choice of personal weapon.
When we arrive at the airport they lead me to my private flight just like usual, and inside there is my regular equipment. Everything I need is contained in two briefcases; facial putty and paint, fake hair, retinal contact lens kit, and fingerprint reproduction kit in one case, and my blood transfusion machine in the other. In the past, I used to only use the more specialised kit if it were necessary, such as to fool biometric scanners, but after my cover was blown by an unscheduled drugs test, I don’t take any chances anymore.
The agency has booked me into a small hotel about half a mile away from the warehouse. I lay down my cases on the table in the corner and get to work. The first order of business is to find a target. The two pirate bosses are staying in the same hotel one floor down, luckily for me they are in separate rooms. Their money is in another room, being guarded by the Navy SEALS. The meeting is tomorrow, and for tonight, the Intel mentions, it is likely that the bosses will spend it in the local nightclubs. I leave my room and find the nearest cleaners’ closet, I change into a uniform and start vacuum cleaning the corridor outside the bosses’ rooms. After a couple of times up and down, one of them emerges – it’s Yusuf Samaka Guleed. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a smart grey shirt, and knocks on the Navy SEALS’ door. He looks down the corridor at me; I smile at him and look down at the carpet, which by now is spotless. If I don’t find another job to do he might become suspicious of me, so I head back into the cleaners’ closet, pull a stepladder out into the corridor, and start cleaning the ceiling with a feather duster from on top of it. When I look back at Guleed, the other Somali boss has now joined him: Abdi Omar Khalid, who the Intel describes as “a high-spirited party animal”. When they are standing side by side, it becomes apparent that Guleed is slightly nervous, or rather, was nervous - he has a stony-faced expression, and appears to be wound up by Khalid’s juvenile behaviour. I can’t hear what they are saying from here, but a few words are spoken through the SEALS’ now open door. Two SEALS, dressed in uninteresting black suits, leave the room and follow Guleed and Khalid down the corridor to the exit. I rush over to Guleed’s room, pick the lock and let myself in. There’s nothing particularly out of place here; everything is neat and tidy, and there’s no sign of any notes or instructions about the meeting. I quickly plant a bug in the ceiling fan and let myself out. The hotel doors lock themselves when you exit so there’s no need to pick the lock back to its original state. Khalid’s room is a bit messier, but again, there are no notes or instructions anywhere in the room. After planting the second bug in Khalid’s fan I return to my room, where I prepare the bug’s receiver, a tape recorder, and a notepad and pen on the desk.
In the middle of the night the receiver springs into life; Guleed’s room door opens and fills the room with noisy drunken banter. Among the voices is a woman, who seems restless, and speaking in Spanish, says “Come on Abdi, let’s go to your room”. Khalid tells her to wait outside while they have an important business talk. This is what I’ve been waiting for; I have been forming a plan for a few hours now. If I can appear as either Guleed or Khalid, I will then have an armed escort all the way to the meeting point, and be within touching distance of the documents. To achieve this however, I need to hear them speak naturally. I learned Somali along with the major African languages about 6 years ago, but haven’t really had a chance to use it, until now.
“Alright Abdi, you need to hear this. Abdi? Abdi, look at me.”
“Yes, yes, calm down. What is it now?
“It’s about the meeting tomorrow. It’s very important you know what we are supposed to be doing”
“I already know about it. God, you are like my mother sometimes, Yusuf.”
“Fine then, what is the plan?”
Khalid sighs, and while he is talking I hear the fizz of a beer can opening.
“In the morning we go down to the warehouse, and buy the stupid documents. Simple.”
“What time in the morning?”
“About half 10.”
“Exactly half ten. We let the SEALS carry the money case down to the warehouse, and let the smugglers count the money. If we are late they will call it off and we will be in deep shit. You know what they’re like when something goes wrong.”
The creak of a chair indicates one of them is now sitting down.
“Why? What’s so important about these documents anyway?
“I don’t know. Apparently it’s just a list of names, but even that isn’t certain. Anyway, you’d better get some sleep. Tell that cheap hooker to go home”
The door creaks open.
“I think she’s gone. Oh well, good night Yusuf.”
“Good night Abdi. Remember, we need to be there by half ten, so be ready to leave at about 9:45.”
The door closes.
After listening to the conversation on the tape recorder again, I grab the two suitcases and put the M9 in the jacket pocket and make my way to Guleed’s room. I put the cases down in front of the door and take the pistol out of my pocket, ready to fire, and knock on the door.
I am going to imitate Guleed; therefore I need to be able to copy his facial features and extract enough blood to keep me alive for the duration of the mission, so I cannot risk shooting him in the head.
In films and TV, suppressors are portrayed inaccurately; apparently they make little to no noise whatever gun they are on. Even the blast from a 50-cal sniper rifle is reduced to a tiny “phoot” sound, but this isn’t the case at all. Although they do reduce the sound considerably, it is still enough to be heard through the thin walls of a hotel.
When Guleed opens the door, I press the gun into his chest and shoot 3 rounds without hesitation into his heart. Getting the gun so close helps the suppressor muffle the gunshot. Guleed jumps back from the shock, but all 3 bullets have gone straight through his heart, resulting in minimal blood loss, and an immediate death.
When I first started my career, I paid a doctor to medically shave the bones of my face and pull my hairline back to make my face more generic and therefore easier to copy other people. The transfusion machine has about 30 tentacles that can remove blood from one body while pumping it into another. After dragging Guleed’s body into the bathroom I set it draining his blood and storing it in the device’s compartment. Meanwhile, I mould the putty around my face to start copying his high cheekbones and defined brow. It’s painstaking work; I finish planting the individual hairs on my head at around 4am. I look back at him lying in the bathtub, at his expressionless face, and back at the mirror. Apart from his skin being much paler than it was before due to the lack of blood, I look exactly like him, even down to the small scar on his chin and the mole on the back of his neck.
You can’t turn yourself into a doppelganger by just acting like someone - that’s impossible; instead, you have to become the person you are imitating. On each assignment I put myself into a state of hypnosis, surrounded by the target’s personal items and playing a loop of his voice if I can get it. By the time I wake up, I have fully transcended into believing I actually am the target; I talk like them, move like them, even think like them. I feel like a completely different person. Also, I know it sounds crazy, but since I started swapping my blood the process has become even easier; it’s like some of their life force is contained in the blood. I wouldn’t have believed it myself until I experienced it first hand. Tonight is no different; I unplug the transfusion machine from Guleed’s now stiff body and wheel it into the bedroom, lie down on his bed in his clothes surrounded by his personal items and hook myself up to the machine. As I start to drift off, Guleed’s reheated blood seeps into my veins and arteries.
Of course, no matter how mentally involved I am, I’d be dead within a few hours if it wasn’t for the anti-rejection drugs. These delay the most severe transfusion reactions like acute haemolytic reaction and bacterial infection for at least 12 hours. As long as I get back to my own blood within that time, there are no lasting health problems, besides a fever or dyspnoea every now and then.
My alarm clock bursts to life and blares away inches away from my ears. My muscles snap into action as I fling the sheets off me and slam my hand down on the clock. A powerful migraine crackles through my forehead; sitting on the edge of the bed, I can barely keep my eyes open. So tired… what time did I get to bed last night? I’m already dressed… did I fall asleep in my clothes? I can’t remember anything besides the conversation I had with Abdi. In fact, it feels I’ve been dreaming about it all night, the whole conversation, repeating again and again, all night long. Word for word, it’s all I can think of. “Remember, we need to be there by half ten, so be ready to leave at about 9:45.” These documents must be important if it’s playing on my mind like this. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I splash some cold, soothing water on my face. My head hurts so much… I sluggishly get up and walk over to the bathroom door, but it’s locked… Did I lock it? Do I even have the key? Never mind, a bottle of fruit juice from the mini-bar will have to do for now, I’m sure a cleaner will unlock it for me when it’s time to leave. I have to go and get the others awake. Hopefully there’s enough time for some breakfast before we set off to the meeting. I open my hotel room door and walk along the clean corridor, when I realise that I don’t actually know where Abdi’s room is. I know where the SEALS’ room is though, so I knock on their door instead. The door opens in an instant, and a pair of vigilant brown eyes stares back at me. One of the three SEALS, he’s dressed in the same plain suit as the last time I saw him.
“Are you both ready?” He says.
These SEALS may have been trained how to kill people in a split-second, but nobody taught them how to hide it. This man’s eyes provoke fear in me like some kind of acute reaction, in the same way that you instinctively know that spiders or snakes are dangerous, you can tell that this man is a killer. It’s all over him.
“Err, yeah, yeah. Well, I am. I can’t remember which room Abdi is in.”
“Right, I’ll get him.”
The SEAL walks out of his room and along the corridor. Before the door closes I peek into the room; I notice a sleeping bag at the foot of the bed. I follow the SEAL down the corridor; he stops only a few doors down, and knocks sharply. Abdi, struggling to put on a tie, opens the door.
“Whoa! Who sent the gorilla?!” he blurts out.
The SEAL doesn’t react. He just stares straight into his eyes for a few seconds. That same terror feeling that I just had spreads across Abdi’s face.
“It’s time.” He casually declares, and walks back to his room. Abdi looks relieved to see him walking away.“Yusuf, I though it was you who knocked.”
Sometimes, Abdi’s foolishness really gets on my nerves.
“You really need to start thinking before you open that mouth of yours. It’s going to get you killed one of these days, and by “you” I mean “us”.
Abdi still hasn’t managed to sort out his tie.
“Come here you big child. Do I have to do everything for you?”
Standing close in front of him, I look over his shoulder into his room. The hooker from last night is lying in his bed, and there’s beer bottles sprawled all over the floor.
“You said she’d gone! What the hell, Abdi? God, I can’t believe you’d ignore me like this.”
Before I have a chance to knock some sense into him, the SEALS come out of their room and walk towards us. One of them is talking on a cell phone giving a status update to our bosses; another one is carrying the money briefcase.“We’ll have to continue this later, it’s time to go.”
It is a strange sight, seeing 3 huge, scarred, burly men crowding round a tiny table, eating waffles, but nobody else seems to notice apart from me. We’d stopped at this small, open area café next to a busy road for breakfast. A never ending stream of people and cars pass by, some of them only a few feet away from these unflinching men. It’s like I’m the only one that can see their battle-hardened personas. And with that, I can’t escape the nagging sense at the back of my mind that something doesn’t feel right. Last night must have really messed me up – I still can’t remember a thing. When I do try and remember, all I can think of, the thing that clouds my mind, is today’s meeting; the documents. I’m sure everything will become clear as my hangover wears off.
We get there well before the deadline. With the SEALS leading the way, we arrive at the smugglers’ filthy warehouse. On the outskirts of the city, down a long, dusty track is a grey, grimy tin structure. The taxi driver drops us off with at least a 100 metre walk left to do. Of course, Abdi complains, but nobody responds to him.
One of the Peruvian bosses meets us at the entrance, and leads us past the armed guards into an office room near the back. On the way, we pass through 2 huge spaces, filled with hundreds of large crates, stacked on top of each other. A few trucks parked in one of the rooms are filled with loads of white, neatly packed parcels. Surprisingly, the inside of the warehouse is quite clean, and most of the guards are inside guarding the shipments. I guess they do this to avoid any police suspicion. Because our guide only speaks Spanish, we don’t understand a word he says until we get into the office room, where one of the people there introduces himself as a translator. We are sat down on one side of a long table, with the smugglers on the other side. Someone comes through a door behind the smugglers side, and lays the documents down on the table. And then it hits me… That nagging feeling I had… My memory loss. It all comes back in an instant… I’m not Guleed. I’m Agent Decoy. I have to steal the documents and destroy the warehouse.
To be continued
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Quotes of The Month - February
Blarty talking about Panini World Cup sticker albums of the past......
Those were the days- children brandishing stickers saying 'Got any swaps?' Now it's kids brandishing knives saying 'Got any cash?'.... ahh the nostalgia...
LloydFred on his sky box being a little too particular about what it chooses to record......
Well I tell you what, I F***ING MOAN ABOUT GAMING CONNECTIONS!!...well let me tell you lot F***ING sky with recording programs like Lost so you can watch at your pleasure!!...F***ING PLEASURE it needs TO F***ING RECORD for that, lucky for me its on tonight also but that's not the point wtf IF IT WASNT REPEATED TONIGHT I'D BE F***ING...Lost!!
Those were the days- children brandishing stickers saying 'Got any swaps?' Now it's kids brandishing knives saying 'Got any cash?'.... ahh the nostalgia...
LloydFred on his sky box being a little too particular about what it chooses to record......
Well I tell you what, I F***ING MOAN ABOUT GAMING CONNECTIONS!!...well let me tell you lot F***ING sky with recording programs like Lost so you can watch at your pleasure!!...F***ING PLEASURE it needs TO F***ING RECORD for that, lucky for me its on tonight also but that's not the point wtf IF IT WASNT REPEATED TONIGHT I'D BE F***ING...Lost!!
Being Stealthy
What is 'Being Stealthy'?
Being stealthy is the art of utilising many different methods with the aim of not being detected by your enemy.
Why be stealthy?
First off, let me start by saying that stealth is not a guarantee that your performances will improve; being stealthy is just another approach to a CoD4 gaming style. The sacrifices you make to be stealthy put you at a serious disadvantage in certain circumstances, and only by understanding your strengths and weaknesses will you be able to succeed in online matches. Learning a new technique to be used in CoD4 (or any online game) can breathe new life into it and give you a new reason to keep playing. Plus, by understanding stealth, you’ll be more aware about how to protect yourself from anyone who uses it against you.
How to be stealthy
There are varying levels of stealthiness, and you may be surprised to learn that you have been using stealth to some degree all along!
Just being a little bit unpredictable – Especially in objective based games like Sabotage or Search and Destroy, your enemy will often leave ambushes, i.e. they will guard the bomb, waiting for you to come and collect it, where they will be ready for you. Therefore, you can get the drop on them by taking a different route; one that takes you away from the danger areas. The best way of guessing where the enemy is going to be is by paying attention to the UAV; if one of your teammates dies in an alleyway, then you should avoid going down there as well.
This approach works wonders in Domination games, allowing you to capture flags when the enemy is preoccupied with the rest of your team. You can be an LMG toting Rambo fanatic and still manage to be a little bit stealthy by doing this.
Adding a suppressor – With a suppressor attached, your shots will never show up on your enemy’s radar, but you will have to do without a red dot site or ACOG scope. Assault rifles generally are best used at medium range, so it is better to have a red dot site. SMGs, on the other hand, are lethal at close range, so aiming is rarely required. The Mini-Uzi in particular (a personal favourite of mine) has reduced recoil with a suppressor, making it even more deadly in close range combat.
The UAV jammer perk – This prevents you from showing on the enemy radar. Combine with a suppressor and you will never show up on his radar at all. In my opinion, you should never use UAV jammer without adding a suppressor to your weapon, unless you are sniping.
The full blown “ghost” class – A suppressed weapon, avoiding confronting the enemy head-on, the UAV jammer perk, and the Dead Silence perk means that you will never be heard, never show up on the radar, and never fall victim to a camper. If you cannot bear to part with “Steady Aim” then you should at least crouch when infiltrating buildings, or entering danger areas, this way your footsteps cannot be heard, but it lowers your movement speed.
The advantages/disadvantages of being stealthy
Of course, there is a trade off; your weapon does less damage, is less accurate, and you will be late to the party in most instances, but it will be easier for you to capture flags in Domination, plant/defuse the bomb in Search and Destroy, and if you run into an enemy, he will most likely be unprepared. Also, the tedious headshot challenges can be made easier by sneaking up on people who are not moving, and taking your time to line up a headshot. Also, if you have UAV jammer on, it usually takes 2 headshots to kill someone instead of just one with stopping power.
If you have Dead Silence on, your footsteps will be silenced, so it is easier to hear other people’s footsteps, helping you track them.
Don’t bother with the RPG perk, mainly because there are much better choices (see “Fun things to do and advanced techniques”), but also because if you select it, your character is fitted with massive rocket launchers strapped to his back, making it easier for you to be spotted when hiding in grass, or crouching behind objects.
You have to avoid being close to your teammates, because if they are not being stealthy, they can give your position away. My least favourite style of death is when the enemy comes looking for one of my noisy allies and runs into me instead. To counter this, you could help your teammate by watching his back; this way, he can continue engaging the enemy head on, and you can lay traps for the ones flanking him. Chasing after red dots on the radar is one of the most basic (and rewarding) tactics in CoD4, so you can take advantage of this to predict enemy movement.
When to be stealthy
The best modes to use stealth are Domination and Search and Destroy, and I would recommend the full ghost class for them. The best way to win in Domination is for your team to control two flags, and leave the enemy one; this way, they will respawn near their flag and you can predict where they are going to come through. If you control all three flags, the enemy will respawn at random points all over the map, meaning they can easily catch a flag or two before you can get there to stop them. Taking this into account, my Domination strategies change depending on the skill level of my teammates. If my team has managed to take control of two flags, I will focus all of my attention on defending one flag and preventing the enemy from taking it, usually the flag my team starts with. While the majority of the action takes place near the middle flag, members of the enemy team will sneak round and try to capture your other flag. One stealthy person is enough to fend off a whole team of flag catchers. Hide in the grass or in the shadows close to your flag, and then when they come for it, creep up to them and take them out silently. It’s usually the same players that come each time, so you should change your hiding place every now and then to keep the element of surprise. Also, don’t rely on the commentator to tell you when you are losing a flag, because for the few seconds as he makes an announcement (i.e. “Securing Bravo”, or “Losing Alpha”) he cannot make another announcement. In other words, if you start to capture a flag while an announcement is going off, the enemy team will not be informed of your activities. Beware though, because they can do this to you too. One sure-fire way of telling when you are losing a flag is that the symbol will flash (albeit rather dimly).
If your team is rubbish, and cannot control two flags, then you have to do your bit to get the enemy flags. Use the announcement technique I detailed above to wait until the best time to start capturing a flag. If no announcements are going off then there are a few techniques to help you capture it. Firstly, you can approach an enemy flag, plant some C4 around it, then run over it to initiate the announcement, and retreat to a safe distance. When the enemy team comes running in to butcher you, set it off and enjoy the fireworks (and possibly PSN hate-messages). If C4 is not your cup of tea, then claymores work just as well, as do more standard means of combat. Don’t forget to actually capture the flag after all this craziness is over and done with.
Search and Destroy is also an excellent game mode to employ stealth. When you are on the defending team, I would recommend that you defend a single target (like in Domination). There are two targets that you have to prevent the enemy from planting bombs on, and if you can hold them off one target by yourself, then you are doing half the work for your team that round. Most of the maps in CoD4 have targets that are more popular than others; for example, in Backlot, everyone always goes for target A, inside the construction site. The enemy team almost always rush to plant the bomb there, and likewise, your team rushes to defend it most of the time. Nevertheless, I say at least one person should be defending the less popular target, and that role is perfect for a stealthy boy. Read on to the next section to see my opinions on which target you should set your heart on defending.
When you are on the attacking team, the best position you can hope to be in is when you are behind the enemy. You’ve managed to slip past their line of defence and are ready to wreak havoc on them. Obviously, to do this you need to avoid the high-risk zones, i.e. places where grenades rain from the sky and snipers blow your head off before you even have time to think. Avoid picking up the bomb, take your time to advance into enemy territory, and let your Rambo teammates go first. Take notice of which parts of the map have been explored by your teammates to work out which parts of the map are likely to contain an opponent. When your teammates decide to plant the bomb, you should change your tactics and help them; lie in wait for the enemy to come and defuse it. When the bomb is planted, hide near to it and listen carefully; if someone tries to defuse it, the sound of a briefcase opening can be heard, at which point you can run in and finish him or her off.
Ground War, on the other hand, is not very kind to stealth users. There are just too many players, and they often move around in groups. Even in Domination mode, you are more likely to be spotted, and without Stopping Power you don’t stand much of a chance. That doesn’t mean you should abandon stealth completely though, just don’t bother with UAV Jammer if you intend to greatly assist your team.
Sabotage can be a good opportunity for stealth, but only if your teammates’ skill level is above average. While they focus on the objective (defending their target and planting the bomb), you can run around terrorizing the enemy. Camping is very popular in Sabotage, so you will come across lots of snipers. Beware though, if you are away from your target you will be unable to prevent the enemy from planting the bomb, and if your team’s defence fails, you will be at a disadvantage without Stopping Power.
The Hardcore modes remove the radar from your screen, meaning, amongst other things, that it is harder to catch out an enemy by hearing their footsteps. In regular modes, if you hear someone’s boots stomping around, you can quickly check the radar to see if it is just one of your teammates, or if an enemy is about to stick a knife in your back. Therefore, adopt a different third perk (I recommend Steady Aim) instead of Dead Silence. Also, all guns do increased damage, rendering Stopping Power almost useless, and making your UAV Jamming Sub-machine gun more lethal at all ranges.
Finally, whatever game mode you are in, lag will ruin any chance you have of success. You need to make sure all of your bullets hit their mark to take down an opponent, and if you suspect lag is hindering your accuracy, leave immediately.
Where to be stealthy
In modes like Domination, Sabotage, and Team Deathmatch, the two teams usually engage each other in a small area of the map. People stick together and fight over the objective, rarely travelling along any route except the most obvious one. Where the red dots appear on the radar, is where the action takes place. You can take advantage of this by taking the long route through the safe areas, and flanking the enemy. In Search and Destroy, however, teams split up and guard whole areas of the map, making it much more difficult to flank them near the beginnings of matches.
If you suspect an enemy is going to pass through an area and you feel like laying an ambush, hide in the grass or in the shadows and wait for them. You will get to know lots of nooks and crannies in your time, but if you are without cover, then just lie down on the ground and wait for the enemy to pass through. By lying down, you give the enemy a smaller target to aim at should they spot you before you can kill them. Generally though, simply hiding around a corner or behind a wall can be enough to gain the upper hand on an unsuspecting foe.
Hiding spots
When defending in Search and Destroy, hiding can be a valuable tactic (and good fun). By guarding a target, you are making it harder for the other team to plant the bomb, and by restraining yourself from charging at the enemy, you are more likely to still be standing towards the end of the match. These are just suggestions, please don’t feel like you have to use these in order to be stealthy, you can go on the attack if it fits your playing style.
Ambush – There is some grass surrounding target A that you can hide in, or behind some various items of cover here. You can reach A quickly so you could plant C4 on it. Beware though, the enemy may rush to B, and if your team does not meet them, they can
Bloc – The odds are in the defending team’s favour on this map, especially if you adopt this technique: quickly sprint to A, plant C4 under the target or on the ceiling, then run back to B and hide in the grass. If, when defending B, the enemy plants at A, set off your C4 for a guaranteed kill.
Bog – I hate this map, but you can defend target A easily enough by hiding behind the melon stands straight in front of you as you start the match. You can C4 trap it as well.
Countdown – Rush to B, and find a place in or around the hanger. There are plenty of spots available here, so take your pick. If the attacking team shows no interest in B, then keep pressing forward to the area where they started the match, and follow them around to A. They will not be expecting you to approach them from behind. If you can make it to A, there is an ideal hiding spot in the alleyway to the side of the hanger here.
Crash – This is my personal favourite hiding spot, its effectiveness of keeping you hidden can almost be considered cheating. When you start the match, target B is right in front of you, plant some C4 under it, then move to your right along the street. At the side of the car here is a flat, raised plant pot. Hop on it then lie down facing B, and position yourself where you can see through the grass to the rooftop in between the buildings on your right; you can’t shoot at it from this position, but if an opponent shows himself on the rooftop, you will gain an early warning that they might be trying to plant at B. If they do plant at B, wait until it is planted to blow your C4, then rush over to it for an easy defuse. More likely though, your team will get ripped to shreds at A, so make your way to A’s alternative entrance if you find yourself the last man standing.
Crossfire – Near target A there are some dumpsters, and in between them are two small metal bins. If you hide behind them, you can pop out and surprise the enemy when they plant the bomb.
District – Rush to target B, plant some C4 near the cars surrounding it, and then hide in the building to your right. Beware though; sometimes enemies also rush to B. You can hold them off for a second or two by throwing a grenade at the alleyway at the end of the street.
Downpour –I usually lie down in the grass in the soggy field near target A, which is a perfect place for a ninja defuse. You can put C4 on target B at the beginning of the round before you get to A.
Overgrown – At the start of the round, run through the riverbed and time your sprinting so you can avoid being sniped by the other team. Get to target B as quickly as possible, plant C4 under it, and then lie down in the grassy field next to it.
Tea Bagging – The gaming phenomenon that started out as an act of defiance against a downed enemy, and progressed into a widely acknowledged method of gameplay, with a highly advanced move book. Stealth tea-bagging is best done on a still living adversary in my opinion; because then you can kill him and let him view his humiliation in the killcam. Find an opponent lying down, and thrust your crotch onto the back of his head by crouching up and down on him.
Taunt a sniper – Sniper rifles are terrible in close quarters, so if you come across a sniper, you can take advantage of this by jumping up and down in front of him before killing him. Be careful not to take too long or else he could switch to his pistol.
Resistance 2 – Again, stealth is less of a factor in Resistance 2, but there are still some opportunities for the sneaky. Firstly, and most importantly, don’t sprint. Sprinting shows you up on the enemy’s radar, so don’t do it unless absolutely vital, or you want to attract attention to yourself. Also worthy of mention is the “Invisibility” beserk, which, like the name implies, renders you invisible for a short period of time, but you return to full visibility when you shoot, so it’s not that useful.
Being stealthy is the art of utilising many different methods with the aim of not being detected by your enemy.
Why be stealthy?
First off, let me start by saying that stealth is not a guarantee that your performances will improve; being stealthy is just another approach to a CoD4 gaming style. The sacrifices you make to be stealthy put you at a serious disadvantage in certain circumstances, and only by understanding your strengths and weaknesses will you be able to succeed in online matches. Learning a new technique to be used in CoD4 (or any online game) can breathe new life into it and give you a new reason to keep playing. Plus, by understanding stealth, you’ll be more aware about how to protect yourself from anyone who uses it against you.
How to be stealthy
There are varying levels of stealthiness, and you may be surprised to learn that you have been using stealth to some degree all along!
Just being a little bit unpredictable – Especially in objective based games like Sabotage or Search and Destroy, your enemy will often leave ambushes, i.e. they will guard the bomb, waiting for you to come and collect it, where they will be ready for you. Therefore, you can get the drop on them by taking a different route; one that takes you away from the danger areas. The best way of guessing where the enemy is going to be is by paying attention to the UAV; if one of your teammates dies in an alleyway, then you should avoid going down there as well.
This approach works wonders in Domination games, allowing you to capture flags when the enemy is preoccupied with the rest of your team. You can be an LMG toting Rambo fanatic and still manage to be a little bit stealthy by doing this.
Adding a suppressor – With a suppressor attached, your shots will never show up on your enemy’s radar, but you will have to do without a red dot site or ACOG scope. Assault rifles generally are best used at medium range, so it is better to have a red dot site. SMGs, on the other hand, are lethal at close range, so aiming is rarely required. The Mini-Uzi in particular (a personal favourite of mine) has reduced recoil with a suppressor, making it even more deadly in close range combat.
The UAV jammer perk – This prevents you from showing on the enemy radar. Combine with a suppressor and you will never show up on his radar at all. In my opinion, you should never use UAV jammer without adding a suppressor to your weapon, unless you are sniping.
The full blown “ghost” class – A suppressed weapon, avoiding confronting the enemy head-on, the UAV jammer perk, and the Dead Silence perk means that you will never be heard, never show up on the radar, and never fall victim to a camper. If you cannot bear to part with “Steady Aim” then you should at least crouch when infiltrating buildings, or entering danger areas, this way your footsteps cannot be heard, but it lowers your movement speed.
The advantages/disadvantages of being stealthy
Of course, there is a trade off; your weapon does less damage, is less accurate, and you will be late to the party in most instances, but it will be easier for you to capture flags in Domination, plant/defuse the bomb in Search and Destroy, and if you run into an enemy, he will most likely be unprepared. Also, the tedious headshot challenges can be made easier by sneaking up on people who are not moving, and taking your time to line up a headshot. Also, if you have UAV jammer on, it usually takes 2 headshots to kill someone instead of just one with stopping power.
If you have Dead Silence on, your footsteps will be silenced, so it is easier to hear other people’s footsteps, helping you track them.
Don’t bother with the RPG perk, mainly because there are much better choices (see “Fun things to do and advanced techniques”), but also because if you select it, your character is fitted with massive rocket launchers strapped to his back, making it easier for you to be spotted when hiding in grass, or crouching behind objects.
You have to avoid being close to your teammates, because if they are not being stealthy, they can give your position away. My least favourite style of death is when the enemy comes looking for one of my noisy allies and runs into me instead. To counter this, you could help your teammate by watching his back; this way, he can continue engaging the enemy head on, and you can lay traps for the ones flanking him. Chasing after red dots on the radar is one of the most basic (and rewarding) tactics in CoD4, so you can take advantage of this to predict enemy movement.
When to be stealthy
The best modes to use stealth are Domination and Search and Destroy, and I would recommend the full ghost class for them. The best way to win in Domination is for your team to control two flags, and leave the enemy one; this way, they will respawn near their flag and you can predict where they are going to come through. If you control all three flags, the enemy will respawn at random points all over the map, meaning they can easily catch a flag or two before you can get there to stop them. Taking this into account, my Domination strategies change depending on the skill level of my teammates. If my team has managed to take control of two flags, I will focus all of my attention on defending one flag and preventing the enemy from taking it, usually the flag my team starts with. While the majority of the action takes place near the middle flag, members of the enemy team will sneak round and try to capture your other flag. One stealthy person is enough to fend off a whole team of flag catchers. Hide in the grass or in the shadows close to your flag, and then when they come for it, creep up to them and take them out silently. It’s usually the same players that come each time, so you should change your hiding place every now and then to keep the element of surprise. Also, don’t rely on the commentator to tell you when you are losing a flag, because for the few seconds as he makes an announcement (i.e. “Securing Bravo”, or “Losing Alpha”) he cannot make another announcement. In other words, if you start to capture a flag while an announcement is going off, the enemy team will not be informed of your activities. Beware though, because they can do this to you too. One sure-fire way of telling when you are losing a flag is that the symbol will flash (albeit rather dimly).
If your team is rubbish, and cannot control two flags, then you have to do your bit to get the enemy flags. Use the announcement technique I detailed above to wait until the best time to start capturing a flag. If no announcements are going off then there are a few techniques to help you capture it. Firstly, you can approach an enemy flag, plant some C4 around it, then run over it to initiate the announcement, and retreat to a safe distance. When the enemy team comes running in to butcher you, set it off and enjoy the fireworks (and possibly PSN hate-messages). If C4 is not your cup of tea, then claymores work just as well, as do more standard means of combat. Don’t forget to actually capture the flag after all this craziness is over and done with.
Search and Destroy is also an excellent game mode to employ stealth. When you are on the defending team, I would recommend that you defend a single target (like in Domination). There are two targets that you have to prevent the enemy from planting bombs on, and if you can hold them off one target by yourself, then you are doing half the work for your team that round. Most of the maps in CoD4 have targets that are more popular than others; for example, in Backlot, everyone always goes for target A, inside the construction site. The enemy team almost always rush to plant the bomb there, and likewise, your team rushes to defend it most of the time. Nevertheless, I say at least one person should be defending the less popular target, and that role is perfect for a stealthy boy. Read on to the next section to see my opinions on which target you should set your heart on defending.
When you are on the attacking team, the best position you can hope to be in is when you are behind the enemy. You’ve managed to slip past their line of defence and are ready to wreak havoc on them. Obviously, to do this you need to avoid the high-risk zones, i.e. places where grenades rain from the sky and snipers blow your head off before you even have time to think. Avoid picking up the bomb, take your time to advance into enemy territory, and let your Rambo teammates go first. Take notice of which parts of the map have been explored by your teammates to work out which parts of the map are likely to contain an opponent. When your teammates decide to plant the bomb, you should change your tactics and help them; lie in wait for the enemy to come and defuse it. When the bomb is planted, hide near to it and listen carefully; if someone tries to defuse it, the sound of a briefcase opening can be heard, at which point you can run in and finish him or her off.
Ground War, on the other hand, is not very kind to stealth users. There are just too many players, and they often move around in groups. Even in Domination mode, you are more likely to be spotted, and without Stopping Power you don’t stand much of a chance. That doesn’t mean you should abandon stealth completely though, just don’t bother with UAV Jammer if you intend to greatly assist your team.
Sabotage can be a good opportunity for stealth, but only if your teammates’ skill level is above average. While they focus on the objective (defending their target and planting the bomb), you can run around terrorizing the enemy. Camping is very popular in Sabotage, so you will come across lots of snipers. Beware though, if you are away from your target you will be unable to prevent the enemy from planting the bomb, and if your team’s defence fails, you will be at a disadvantage without Stopping Power.
The Hardcore modes remove the radar from your screen, meaning, amongst other things, that it is harder to catch out an enemy by hearing their footsteps. In regular modes, if you hear someone’s boots stomping around, you can quickly check the radar to see if it is just one of your teammates, or if an enemy is about to stick a knife in your back. Therefore, adopt a different third perk (I recommend Steady Aim) instead of Dead Silence. Also, all guns do increased damage, rendering Stopping Power almost useless, and making your UAV Jamming Sub-machine gun more lethal at all ranges.
Finally, whatever game mode you are in, lag will ruin any chance you have of success. You need to make sure all of your bullets hit their mark to take down an opponent, and if you suspect lag is hindering your accuracy, leave immediately.
Where to be stealthy
In modes like Domination, Sabotage, and Team Deathmatch, the two teams usually engage each other in a small area of the map. People stick together and fight over the objective, rarely travelling along any route except the most obvious one. Where the red dots appear on the radar, is where the action takes place. You can take advantage of this by taking the long route through the safe areas, and flanking the enemy. In Search and Destroy, however, teams split up and guard whole areas of the map, making it much more difficult to flank them near the beginnings of matches.
If you suspect an enemy is going to pass through an area and you feel like laying an ambush, hide in the grass or in the shadows and wait for them. You will get to know lots of nooks and crannies in your time, but if you are without cover, then just lie down on the ground and wait for the enemy to pass through. By lying down, you give the enemy a smaller target to aim at should they spot you before you can kill them. Generally though, simply hiding around a corner or behind a wall can be enough to gain the upper hand on an unsuspecting foe.
Hiding spots
When defending in Search and Destroy, hiding can be a valuable tactic (and good fun). By guarding a target, you are making it harder for the other team to plant the bomb, and by restraining yourself from charging at the enemy, you are more likely to still be standing towards the end of the match. These are just suggestions, please don’t feel like you have to use these in order to be stealthy, you can go on the attack if it fits your playing style.
Ambush – There is some grass surrounding target A that you can hide in, or behind some various items of cover here. You can reach A quickly so you could plant C4 on it. Beware though, the enemy may rush to B, and if your team does not meet them, they can
quickly plant the bomb and get the upper hand. If your team neglects B, then go to that instead.
Backlot – The attacking team usually ignores B but you can hide inside the house near it on the ground floor, occasionally peeking out to check it. One corner in particular is cast in deep shadow.
Backlot – The attacking team usually ignores B but you can hide inside the house near it on the ground floor, occasionally peeking out to check it. One corner in particular is cast in deep shadow.
Bloc – The odds are in the defending team’s favour on this map, especially if you adopt this technique: quickly sprint to A, plant C4 under the target or on the ceiling, then run back to B and hide in the grass. If, when defending B, the enemy plants at A, set off your C4 for a guaranteed kill.
Bog – I hate this map, but you can defend target A easily enough by hiding behind the melon stands straight in front of you as you start the match. You can C4 trap it as well.
Countdown – Rush to B, and find a place in or around the hanger. There are plenty of spots available here, so take your pick. If the attacking team shows no interest in B, then keep pressing forward to the area where they started the match, and follow them around to A. They will not be expecting you to approach them from behind. If you can make it to A, there is an ideal hiding spot in the alleyway to the side of the hanger here.
Crash – This is my personal favourite hiding spot, its effectiveness of keeping you hidden can almost be considered cheating. When you start the match, target B is right in front of you, plant some C4 under it, then move to your right along the street. At the side of the car here is a flat, raised plant pot. Hop on it then lie down facing B, and position yourself where you can see through the grass to the rooftop in between the buildings on your right; you can’t shoot at it from this position, but if an opponent shows himself on the rooftop, you will gain an early warning that they might be trying to plant at B. If they do plant at B, wait until it is planted to blow your C4, then rush over to it for an easy defuse. More likely though, your team will get ripped to shreds at A, so make your way to A’s alternative entrance if you find yourself the last man standing.
Crossfire – Near target A there are some dumpsters, and in between them are two small metal bins. If you hide behind them, you can pop out and surprise the enemy when they plant the bomb.
District – Rush to target B, plant some C4 near the cars surrounding it, and then hide in the building to your right. Beware though; sometimes enemies also rush to B. You can hold them off for a second or two by throwing a grenade at the alleyway at the end of the street.
Downpour –I usually lie down in the grass in the soggy field near target A, which is a perfect place for a ninja defuse. You can put C4 on target B at the beginning of the round before you get to A.
Overgrown – At the start of the round, run through the riverbed and time your sprinting so you can avoid being sniped by the other team. Get to target B as quickly as possible, plant C4 under it, and then lie down in the grassy field next to it.
Pipeline – This is another map where the defending team usually has an advantage, in that they can reach both targets before the attacking team, making trap laying and getting into position much easier, therefore, there are many hiding spots on this map, but here are my favourites. Firstly, there is the grassy area outside the building with A in it. Beware though, snipers always aim down this side of the map in the early stages of the game, so you may want to plant C4 on B, then return to A when it is safer. If you want to defend target B more aggressively however, you may want to adopt a position closer to it. Inside a train carriage, in an alcove to the side of the walkway, under the walkway, etc. Take your pick.
Shipment –Search and Destroy on this map doesn’t come up in the regular playlists, only in team tactical or private matches, and hiding would be quite difficult anyhow. Stealth here is negated by the small size of the map.
Showdown – Not one of my favourite maps, I usually just hide behind a crate down the passageway in front of you at the start of the match. If the bomb is planted you can rush up the stairs and surprise the enemy. Not the best advice I know, but the lack of decent hiding spots here make a more aggressive approach usually more beneficial.
Strike – Rushing to A is a bit of a risk as the enemy can charge your team before you knew what hit you, but if you can make it without incident, there is a terrific spot at the side of the target here. Lie down in the grass next to the small wall, but let the enemy plant the bomb, because this is the best place for a ninja defuse in the whole game. If you feel like taking a more relaxed approach instead, there are lots of shadowy areas and alcoves to keep you hidden near target B.
Vacant – You start in the computer room near target B, and so have lots of time to plant your C4, find a decent spot, get settled, and watch your ally blips disappear from the radar as your team gets slaughtered by target A.
Wet Work – Unless you have a death wish, don’t go any further than target A (also known as no-man’s land), instead, reinforce your team’s defences by hanging around target B and preventing the enemy from fracturing your team.
I shouldn’t have to mention this but if a technique isn’t working, then change it and try something different.
How to counter stealth
If one or more members of the enemy team are using stealth against you, there’s not much you can do to specifically target them but you can make yourself less vulnerable. For example, running around like a madman is what they want you to do, so just take your time to press forward, check those corners, and be ready to start shooting unexpectedly. Also, if your team gains a UAV, press select to see how many players the enemy team has. If not all of them are showing up on the radar, then be on your guard – at least one of them is using UAV Jammer, and will probably use this opportunity to lure you into a trap.
Fun things to do
So you’ve managed to sneak up behind an unsuspecting foe, but what if you want to rub his face in it to make that mini-victory of yours that extra bit sweeter before you kill him, or maybe you just want to try something especially goofy for your own pleasure. If so, here are a few suggestions.
I shouldn’t have to mention this but if a technique isn’t working, then change it and try something different.
How to counter stealth
If one or more members of the enemy team are using stealth against you, there’s not much you can do to specifically target them but you can make yourself less vulnerable. For example, running around like a madman is what they want you to do, so just take your time to press forward, check those corners, and be ready to start shooting unexpectedly. Also, if your team gains a UAV, press select to see how many players the enemy team has. If not all of them are showing up on the radar, then be on your guard – at least one of them is using UAV Jammer, and will probably use this opportunity to lure you into a trap.
Fun things to do
So you’ve managed to sneak up behind an unsuspecting foe, but what if you want to rub his face in it to make that mini-victory of yours that extra bit sweeter before you kill him, or maybe you just want to try something especially goofy for your own pleasure. If so, here are a few suggestions.
Tea Bagging – The gaming phenomenon that started out as an act of defiance against a downed enemy, and progressed into a widely acknowledged method of gameplay, with a highly advanced move book. Stealth tea-bagging is best done on a still living adversary in my opinion; because then you can kill him and let him view his humiliation in the killcam. Find an opponent lying down, and thrust your crotch onto the back of his head by crouching up and down on him.
Misery loves company – The premise is simple; hold onto a grenade for too long and take someone with you. Funniest when done in Search and Destroy when there is only one enemy left alive, but more than one of your team left.
Taunt a sniper – Sniper rifles are terrible in close quarters, so if you come across a sniper, you can take advantage of this by jumping up and down in front of him before killing him. Be careful not to take too long or else he could switch to his pistol.
Follow him around map – This one is easier to pull off because it doesn’t require your opponent to be stationary, just stick close to your foe like there is a Mars bar stuck to his butt. Best done in Search and Destroy when there are only a few enemy players left alive, to reduce the chance of an interfering randomer spoiling your fun.
Confusing flag catchers – This can be hilarious when it works, but unfortunately it rarely does. Hide near one of your team’s flags in Domination, then when an enemy comes in to capture it, run over to him and lie down next to him. This will halt the capture progress, so he will be sitting on your flag wondering why he can’t capture it. I once managed to keep someone occupied for a whole minute like this, until he eventually turned around and saw me.
Advanced techniques
Ninja defuse – Because there are no specific boundaries of what exactly constitutes a ninja defuse, I’m going to say that the definition is “To purposefully neglect engaging the enemy in order to be able to defuse the bomb without attracting attention”. The easiest way to pull off a ninja defuse is to wait behind the man planting the bomb, then start defusing it as soon as he is done. If you were to kill an enemy before defusing, you risk revealing your position. To protect yourself from ninja defuses, listen for the sound of a briefcase opening, or just take a look at the bomb straight after planting.
Advanced techniques
Ninja defuse – Because there are no specific boundaries of what exactly constitutes a ninja defuse, I’m going to say that the definition is “To purposefully neglect engaging the enemy in order to be able to defuse the bomb without attracting attention”. The easiest way to pull off a ninja defuse is to wait behind the man planting the bomb, then start defusing it as soon as he is done. If you were to kill an enemy before defusing, you risk revealing your position. To protect yourself from ninja defuses, listen for the sound of a briefcase opening, or just take a look at the bomb straight after planting.
Beating killcam – If you are planning on hiding somewhere for an extended period of time, such as in Search and Destroy, don’t reveal your position by killing people as soon as you see them. In other words, follow your foe around for a while before killing them, thus not letting them see where you were hiding when they watch the killcam.
First perk – You can’t really go wrong with any first perk, but make sure you use whatever you choose to your advantage. I.E, if you choose 3 X Stun/Flash, use them before you die, dying without using them would be a complete waste, likewise, picking Bandolier in Search and Destroy would be a waste. Finally, don’t pick RPG X 2 if you are being stealthy, because the long tubes strapped to your back make you easier to spot, but mostly because it is crap.
C4 – I already mentioned that you can place C4 under most Search and Destroy targets to defend them, but it’s also worth mentioning that you can set up C4 to protect the bomb when you are attacking. When you hear that briefcase opening, double tap the square button for a quick detonation.
Easier challenges
Slasher – Get a three kill streak with the knife. UAV Jammer helps you get close to enemies.
Slasher – Get a three kill streak with the knife. UAV Jammer helps you get close to enemies.
Counter claymore and C4 – Plant a claymore or C4, then aim at it until someone walks past it, and shoot. Again, UAV Jammer helps, but to have a better chance of killing someone, play in a Hardcore mode, and the explosion will do more damage.
Multi-C4 – Kill 2 or more people with a single C4 pack. Easiest in Domination or Headquarters.
Flawless – Play a full-length match without dying. Just hide somewhere quiet with UAV Jammer until the match ends. You won’t gain any kudos from your teammates for doing this though.
Other games to apply stealth
Warhawk – Stealth is hardly a factor here. You show up on the radar no matter what, your name is clearly displayed for miles around, and your only means of engaging the enemy are loud and attention attracting. Save for the “Invisibility” flight pickup, stealth is practically non-existent.
Other games to apply stealth
Warhawk – Stealth is hardly a factor here. You show up on the radar no matter what, your name is clearly displayed for miles around, and your only means of engaging the enemy are loud and attention attracting. Save for the “Invisibility” flight pickup, stealth is practically non-existent.
Resistance 2 – Again, stealth is less of a factor in Resistance 2, but there are still some opportunities for the sneaky. Firstly, and most importantly, don’t sprint. Sprinting shows you up on the enemy’s radar, so don’t do it unless absolutely vital, or you want to attract attention to yourself. Also worthy of mention is the “Invisibility” beserk, which, like the name implies, renders you invisible for a short period of time, but you return to full visibility when you shoot, so it’s not that useful.
COD5 – A lot of the stealthy perks and styles of play can be carried over from CoD4 into WaW, but the maps are generally bigger than CoD4’s, so you could find yourself sitting in a bush the whole match waiting for someone to walk past you. Also, a pack of dogs released by the other team can sniff you out and attack you even while hidden.
MGO – Strangely enough for the godfather of stealth games, Metal Gear Online is very difficult for us sneaky players. Unless you get headshots, you have little to no chance of killing an adversary, especially with the horrible amounts of lag most games suffer from. CQC can be more profitable if you can manage to remain undetected for long enough, but it takes a long time to level up the skill. Stick to the single player, which is one of the best games on PS3 in my opinion.
Final Word
Successful stealth is dependant on a lot of things – luck, sharpness of enemy team, patience, but most important of all; lag. It’s a well known fact that Infinity Ward’s servers are amongst the worst in human history (Treyarch’s and Konami’s being close contenders), so don’t be surprised if you find yourself chasing a guy down, shoot him 20-30 times in the back just for him to turn around and kill you with one bullet. If you become a victim of lag, leave the game and find another one. Hopefully the strategies in this guide can be adapted for future games, after all, there will always be run and gun Rambo types playing, so there should always be a way of stalking them.
Final Word
Successful stealth is dependant on a lot of things – luck, sharpness of enemy team, patience, but most important of all; lag. It’s a well known fact that Infinity Ward’s servers are amongst the worst in human history (Treyarch’s and Konami’s being close contenders), so don’t be surprised if you find yourself chasing a guy down, shoot him 20-30 times in the back just for him to turn around and kill you with one bullet. If you become a victim of lag, leave the game and find another one. Hopefully the strategies in this guide can be adapted for future games, after all, there will always be run and gun Rambo types playing, so there should always be a way of stalking them.
Friday, 27 February 2009
hashegotaclue?: Beard's guide to the gaming Universe, Vol. 1- Wipeout HD
Like a horse in a high-visability jacket Wipeout HD burst onto the gaming scene as a PSN exclusive download on 25th September, 2008 also later as a demo. The game, despite it's humble store-only status, still packs a considerable punch and sports full 1080p support at 60 (fps) frames per second, full single player campaign, upto 8 player multiplayer, 5.1 surround with custom soundtracks, trophies and a nifty little photo mode to boot. It was developed by Studio Liverpool and published by Sony.
Features
Wipeout HD brings with it some new features to the series whilst retaining some that already have made an appearance in previous installments.
Pilot assist
Pilot assist will help you navigate the tracks by adjusting your steering should you get too close to the sides of the track. This feature is available from the main menu by going to 'Options', 'Game', or from the in-game pause menu.
Barrel roles
Performing a barrel role uses a small amount of the ships energy but if performed sucessfully will gain you a brief burst of speed. You cannot perform a barrell role if your ship is low on energy.
To perform a barrel role, wait until your ship is in mid air then move either the analogue or direction buttons left-right-left, right-left-right.
Air Brakes
Each ship is fitted with custom-tuned airbrakes for maximum cornering ability at high speeds. Activating the left or right airbrakes when taking a tight corner (using the shoulder trigger buttons) will maintain your speed but increase your turning ability. Master the airbrakes to improve your laptimes and outrun the compitition.
Side Shift
A shide shift will move your ship sideways to avoid a collision with objects directly in front of you. To perform a sideshift double tap the left or right airbrake button.
Absorbing
Instead of firing a weapon or activating a pickup, you can chose to absorb it and regain some of your ship energy. Different items and weapons give different amounts of energy. Knowing when to use or absorb pickups is a key strategy that can make all the difference between winning and losing races.
Ship Loyalty
Each race you take part in will credit you with loyalty points for the ship you use in that race. Build up your loyalty points for each team for rewards (new skins, trophies and HUD's). More loyalty points are given for perfect laps and a bonus is given if you race in a higher difficulty than Novice.
Photo mode
During any race, pause the game and select the photo mode option. You can choose which ship will be the focus of the camera, adjust the camera angle, zoom level, and so on. When you take a photo, it is saved as a JPEG format to your PS3's photo folder. The photo will be saved at the resolution the game is played at.
Speed Classes
The game offers four speed classes; venom, flash, rapier and phantom. Basically each class has a different top speed and the number of laps is also increased.
Controls
 -Left Airbrake |  -Right Airbrake |
 -Accelerate |  -Fire/use pickup |
 -Absorb |  -Look back |
 -camera |  -voice chat |
Game modes
There's essentially 3 modes that confront you at the main menu; Campaign, Racebox and Online. I'd strongly recommend getting to grips with the campaign as effectively it's a set of challenges based on the various race modes you'll find throughout the game that push your ability to the limits.
Campaign
Campaign is split into three difficulty levels across 8 different events. The aim is to complete 'cells' by acheiving medals (either gold, silver, or bronze on either difficulty setting) and progressing to the next event. You can only progress to the next event once you've collected a set amount of cells. You are awarded three cells for each gold, two for a silver and one for bronze. As you progress through the events they'll be more cells needed to progress, more laps and races and a higher zones level.
Unlocking a new event will also unlock new tracks and vehicles. Get a medal for every cell in campaign and you'll be awarded chrome skins for all the craft in the game.
Racebox
Racebox is effectively Wipeout HD's arcade mode where you can set up your own races and alter the settings, tracks etc. Let's use this oppurtunity to focus at the five race types available; Single Race, Tournament, Time Trial, Speed Lap, and Zone mode.
Single Race
Race against AI opponents for first place in a one off race. Opponent AI is adjustable and you can select whether weapons are on or off. You also have the freedom of any vehicles or tracks you've unlocked.
Tournament
A series of races in which points are awarded for each finishing position with the winner being the competitor with the most points at the end of all the races. Consistency is key here.
Time Trial
You are your only opponent in this one as you race against your own best time. It's a combined total over three laps so agin, consistency is paramount. Theres no weapons pad but each lap you're given a free turbo boost. You cannot horde turbos though so make sure you use it at least once every lap.
Speed Lap
Similiar to time trial but this time you've got 99 attempts maximum to put in one blistering lap time. The trick to this is to use your boost just before the finish line so it gives you a head start in the next lap. Then, in that lap, use it before you hit the finish line for maximum effect.
Zones
Zones sees the player's initially slow craft become progressively faster throughout the race, passing through different numbered zones, or categories of speed; the player must continue to navigate the course until their energy runs out and the ship explodes. Visuals also differ greatly in this mode, with environments stripped of texture, replaced with a single colour that changes continuously in waves, whilst graphic equalizers on the track and scenery display the waveform for the currently playing audio track. Loyalty Points still count for your chosen team despite the craft used always being the same.
Online
In addition to offline-play, Wipeout HD offers an eight-player online mode. A lobby system allows players to find races to join, which can comprise either single races, or twelve-race competitions. Should a player's ship explode due to loss of energy, unlike the single-player mode, the player's craft will reappear on the track some moments later. Voice chat is also supported for online racing.
Vehicles
The vehicles or AG (Anti-Gravity) craft are split into different teams with each team having their own unique design and set of stats. Twelve teams are featured in Wipeout HD, and their ship designs are inspired by those featured in Wipeout Pulse:
AG Systems
Speed:70
Thrust:90
Handling:90
Shield:80
Assegai Developments
Speed:80
Thrust:80
Handling:90
Shield:70
Qirex Research and Development
Speed:80
Thrust:70
Handling:80
Shield:90
Piranha Advancements
Speed:100
Thrust:60
Handling:60
Shield:90
EG-X Technologies
Speed:80
Thrust:90
Handling:70
Shield:70
Triakis
Speed:90
Thrust:60
Handling:60
Shield:100
Goteki 45
Speed:70
Thrust:100
Handling:70
Shield:80
Feisar
Speed:70
Thrust:80
Handling:100
Shield:80
Unlockable Craft:
Mirage
Speed:80
Thrust:80
Handling:80
Shield:80
Icaras
Speed:100
Thrust:70
Handling:70
Shield:60
Harimau International
Speed:80
Thrust:70
Handling:90
Shield:70
Auricom Research Industries
Speed:90
Thrust:70
Handling:60
Shield:90
All the vehicles have 4 liveries (paint schemes). You will start off with just one default livery and unlock two more by attaining Loyalty points earned for each lap you race, in any event, with that chosen team. The fourth livery is a chrome skin that is unlocked upon achieving all cells (either bronze, silver or gold) in campaign mode and is unlocked for all teams regardless of which AG craft you used to complete campaign. You'll need to unlock this special livery and compete in an online race with 7 other opponents sporting the same skin to earn yourself the 'bling brigade' trophy.
Weapons & Pickups
It's not just racing round a circuit like a shandy drinker you know. AG pilots have a plethora of weapons at their disposal to use against other opponents. Weapons are awarded whilst racing in the form of pickups. Using your weapons correctly and stragically can often mean the difference between being a worthy winner or being shamefully eliminated on the first lap. To pickup a weapon fly over the glowing red pads and your ship will be randomly equipped with one of the following weapons:
Autopilot
Surrender control of your ship to an automated pilot for a few seconds and admire the scenery. NOTE: This is different from the Pilot assist turned on/off in the settings menu.
Whilst incredibly useful in the higher speed classes it's pretty ineffective at the lower speeds due to some minor drawbacks.
Firstly, you're reduced to 90% thrust although this is countered by the better handling. Whilst in auto-pilot you can't pick up any weapon pads the AI flies over. Finally, te autopilot follows a pre-determined racing line; if an opponent is hit up ahead and slows down in front of you the AI tends to drive into it slowing you down in the process.
Shield
Become Invulnerable to weapons fire or collision damage for a brief period with this protective energy field.
The ultimate defensive pickup. Timing with the shield is paramount to it's sucess. Using in conjuction with your rear view or listen out for your good lady friend to give you the heads up.
Turbo
Activate a Turbo and boost your way through the pack, over a jump, or out of harm's way with a gratifying burst of speed.
A neutral 'weapon' but incredibly important. If you get one of these when you're in the front of the pack keep hold of it until it's needed; whether it's boosting over the finish line or recovering after a rocket attack, turbo will put you back in the race. Combine it with a turbo pad for maximum effect.
Rockets
Dependable and Destructive, the Rockets are three forward-firing projectiles that practically guarantee a hit at close-range.
Powerful and have a wide radius as three rockets are fired, the drawback, is they don't lock on so fire in a straight line. Most effective at close range or on the straights.
Missile
This smart Missile can be fired instantly for a ricochet effect, or locked-on for a more accurate shot at the competition.
Similiar to the rocket but with the ability to lock on. Avoid firing at oponnents around corners to make sure of the hit.
Cannon
Pepper your opponents with this 30 round rapid-fire barrage of high-caliber proton shells. Fire in bursts for best effect.
Forward firing. Each round is relatively weak but when you continually hit an advisary it really slows them down. Its burst fire is also handy and means its more forgiving if you miss the first time.
Plasma
This dark energy weapon surges across the track causing heavy damage to anything that crosses its path.
Tremendously powerful weapon. Hit an opponent with one of these and you'll seriously set them back. Drawback is the beam has to charge for a short time so your timimg is crucial for a hit. The blast radius has good coverage though so its more forgiving than say rocket or cannon fire.
Quake
This high-power seismic shock will blaze its way down the track with a fierce, explosive momentum.
The ultimate leveller. The quake sends a shockwave round the whole of the track effecting all of your opponents as it passes. One of the best weapons in the game.
Leech Beam
The Leech Beam is a pulsating electronic grapple that drains energy from your opponents and transfers it to your ship.
Handy especially if your craft has a low shield stat or you catch a player with a weak shield.
Mine
Drop a quintet of the floating Mines to blindside your opponents with a finely-tuned trail of explosions.
Again, a great defensive weapon. For maximum effect switch from one side of the track to another on the straights and on corners deploy on the racing line.
Bomb
Unleash this high-grade wide-radius explosive from the rear of your ship and prepare for a satisfying detonation.
Devastating blast for whoever gets caught in it. Will sit there for the whole lap aswell.
In addition you can absorb a weapon which gets rid of it in exchange for a little health. This is incredibly useful if your ships at breaking point or just that the pickup thats been equipped is ineffective at that time. As you can't pick up more than one weapon at a time you might aswell absorb it if it's no use to you.
Tracks
There are eight available tracks in Wipeout HD, all of which are remastered versions of tracks from the two previous PlayStation Portable Wipeout games; six of the tracks are from Wipeout Pure, and two are from Wipeout Pulse. All tracks can be played forward and backwards, much akin to the "black" and "white" modes of Wipeout Pulse, as well as in Zone mode.
Some sections of track also feature Mag Strips, which return from Wipeout Pulse; these stick the player's vehicle to the track, and allow the piloting of sections that would not otherwise be possible due to gravity.
- Chenghou Project
- Sol 2
- Vineta K
- Sebenco Climb
- Anulpha Pass
- Übermall
- Moa Therma
- Metropia
Trophies
The game comes complete with 38 trophies. Some are as simple as taking a photo others will take alot of time and dedication. As not all trophies have an easy fix I won't try and go through them in great detail. Instead here's a list detailing the trophies on offer including the hidden trophies. Make yourself aware of them, most you'll gain just playing through the game at your leisure but some will require you to practice and perservere...
Uplift-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Uplift.
Warped-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Warped.
Frenzy-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Frenzy.
Vertigo-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Vertigo.
Head Rush-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Head Rush.
Speed Freak-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Speed Freak.
Dropzone-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Dropzone.
Meltdown-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Meltdown.
1 Gold Medal won, 86 to go... -Bronze Trophy
Obtain your first gold medal.
Flatland Flyer-Bronze Trophy
Execute and land a successful barrel roll on Moa Therma.
Own the Zone-Bronze Trophy
Get 20 consecutive perfect zones in a single Zone Mode event.
Double Kill-Bronze Trophy
Eliminate at least two opponents in any race.
Endurance-Bronze Trophy
Finish an online 12 race tournament.
Connected 1-Bronze Trophy
Finish 10 online races.
Campaign Legend-Silver Trophy
Obtain a gold medal for every cell in Race Campaign.
Airbraker-Silver Trophy
Reach Zone 50 (Subsonic) in Zone Mode on any track using only airbrakes and sideshift. Motion sensor controls must be turned off.
Tournament Ace-Silver Trophy
Win every race of an 8 stage Racebox tournament on Skilled or Elite difficulty.
Connected 2-Silver Trophy
Win 10 online races.
Lapped Out-Silver Trophy
Complete 99 laps in a single Racebox, Speed Lap session.
AG Assassin-Silver Trophy
Eliminate 50 online opponents.
WipEout Disciple-Silver Trophy
Obtain 100,000 loyalty points for any team.
Elite Campaign Legend-Gold Trophy
Obtain a gold medal for every cell in Race Campaign on Elite difficulty.
Zone Zeus-Gold Trophy
In Zone Mode, reach Zone 75 on any track.
Arcade Perfect-Gold Trophy
Finish 1st on all 16 tracks in Phantom class Racebox races on Elite difficulty.
Beat Zico-Gold Trophy
Equal or beat the lap time of 30.82 seconds on Anulpha Pass (Forward), Speed Lap, Venom using the Piranha.
Livery Liberation-Gold Trophy
Unlock every ship skin in the game.
Transcendence-Platinum Trophy
Earn all the trophies in the game.
Secret Trophies:
Deadly Momentum-Bronze Trophy
Get eliminated in a race on Novice difficulty.
Smile Please-Bronze Trophy
Use Photo Mode to take a photo.
Rookie Reward-Bronze Trophy
Win any race with Pilot Assist on.
Happy Accident?-Bronze Trophy
Execute your first successful barrel roll.
Thanks for the Memory-Bronze Trophy
Win a Campaign, Racebox or Online race using each HUD style variation.
Motion Master-Bronze Trophy
Win a Campaign or Racebox race with the motion sensor option set to 'pitch and steering'. Directional buttons, Left Stick & Pilot Assist cannot be used to obtain this trophy.
Mercenary-Bronze Trophy
Get at least 500 loyalty points for each team.
Keep Rollin'-Bronze Trophy
Execute 100 successful barrel rolls.
Gemini-Bronze Trophy
Complete 20 two-player, split-screen races.
Sponge-Bronze Trophy
Absorb 500 items.
Bling Brigade-Bronze Trophy
Finish an eight player online race with all players using ships that are displaying Campaign Skins.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
VLR Through the Ages
If history has taught us anything, it’s that you should never trust a man who say’s “Ergo”, but more importantly, it’s that rebellions are one of the best ways to force change. From the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 to the Rebel Alliance of 2 BBY we are surrounded by both successful and disastrous uprisings.
VLR stood in the background as the voice in the ear of great military leaders until a much later date in history. To find the very beginning of Viva La Revolucion, you have to go back to the Battle of Marathon in Greece 490 B.C. Where the Athenian commander, Miltiades, was set to defend Greece from Persian King Darius and his 20,000 strong army. It was VLR who told him to set obstacles to prevent the cavalry from approaching and then was convinced to charge the attack rather than the conventional Greek phalanx attack, a slower paced attack. This proved to be more than successful, as the Greeks now possessed the valuable knowledge of bronze armour and the spear handed down from the VLR archives and thus annihilated Darius’ men. The Persians retreated leaving 6,400 dead behind them.
There are no names linked with the very beginnings of VLR but it was said that Aristotle was an honorary member, using VLR technologies and tactical knowledge to tutor Alexander the Great so VLR could force military change over the world. There are reports that it was VLR who assassinated Alexander’s father, Philip II of Macedon by the hand of Pausanias of Orestis, one of his 7 body guards, in order to force a dramatic change in the empire, fortunately Aristotle twisted the truth in order to maintain VLR’s hidden identity in history.
The workings of VLR went quiet for many years after the death of Alexander the Great. History is sketchy and there are reports that VLR had disbanded. It was not until 1554 that the name ‘VLR’ turned up again in the History books when they made a major change in History to force a change in the control of the sea’s.
Elizabeth I of England was imprisoned in the Tower of London by her half sister Mary on suspicion of supporting protestant rebels. Truth is, that it was VLR who she had been supporting.* Some VLR members believe it was she who had reformed the VLR rebellion but it’s very much a theory based on too little evidence.**
* There are no reports that VLR favour any of the worlds Religions other than Jedi *See VLR’s History of the Universe Journals
** See VLR’s A History of England Volumes LIII, LIV and LXX.
In 1559 it was the silver tongue of VLR who forced the coronation of Elizabeth I. Elizabeth, a scholar of VLR, made her name in History because of the tactical military knowledge possessed by VLR. In 1588 VLR took their chance to force Spain’s hand after they executed Mary Queen of Scots. Spain sent the “Invincible” Armada to invade England with an aim of a Catholic king to sit at the throne. The Armada included 130 ships of war, 8,000 sailors and 20,000 soldiers. VLR, through the medium of Elizabeth, sent out 180 much smaller ships to meet the Armada in the English Channel.
The fleet was commanded by several VLR members, Sir Martin Frobisher, Sir Francis Drake, Lord Howard of Effingham and Sir John Hawkins who gave the English the upper hand with their smaller, more agile ships. Soon the Spanish retreated to the north however due to weather conditions they lost even more ships, 51 in total with over 9,000 men where as the English only lost 100 men. The defeat of the Armada did not release control of the seas immediately but it paved the way for eventual English control.
Some say that the VLR intervention of this war was due to force a stop to piracy, others believe it was so they could open more trade routes but once Elizabeth died in 1603, VLR withdrew their hold over the British Empire when James I (James VI of Scotland) took control. James was an arrogant intellectual, someone not welcome in the VLR ranks.
Since that day VLR became a major influence in the Wars of the World jumping from one to the other, using them to force a change in the world.
Its also worth to note that most of the worlds technologies were invented by members of VLR or people with VLR funding. Some to note are…
VLR have never been easy to find and until recently the only way to contact them was through Morse code, previous communication methods included Smoke Signals, Carrier Pigeon and the Enigma Machine, before the Germans stole the idea. VLR are still around today and can be found at www.v-l-r.org where they have combined the smartest and most talented individuals on the Internet forming rebellions. May they continue to pass on their military prowess through the ages.
by
VLR stood in the background as the voice in the ear of great military leaders until a much later date in history. To find the very beginning of Viva La Revolucion, you have to go back to the Battle of Marathon in Greece 490 B.C. Where the Athenian commander, Miltiades, was set to defend Greece from Persian King Darius and his 20,000 strong army. It was VLR who told him to set obstacles to prevent the cavalry from approaching and then was convinced to charge the attack rather than the conventional Greek phalanx attack, a slower paced attack. This proved to be more than successful, as the Greeks now possessed the valuable knowledge of bronze armour and the spear handed down from the VLR archives and thus annihilated Darius’ men. The Persians retreated leaving 6,400 dead behind them.
There are no names linked with the very beginnings of VLR but it was said that Aristotle was an honorary member, using VLR technologies and tactical knowledge to tutor Alexander the Great so VLR could force military change over the world. There are reports that it was VLR who assassinated Alexander’s father, Philip II of Macedon by the hand of Pausanias of Orestis, one of his 7 body guards, in order to force a dramatic change in the empire, fortunately Aristotle twisted the truth in order to maintain VLR’s hidden identity in history.
The workings of VLR went quiet for many years after the death of Alexander the Great. History is sketchy and there are reports that VLR had disbanded. It was not until 1554 that the name ‘VLR’ turned up again in the History books when they made a major change in History to force a change in the control of the sea’s.
Elizabeth I of England was imprisoned in the Tower of London by her half sister Mary on suspicion of supporting protestant rebels. Truth is, that it was VLR who she had been supporting.* Some VLR members believe it was she who had reformed the VLR rebellion but it’s very much a theory based on too little evidence.**
* There are no reports that VLR favour any of the worlds Religions other than Jedi *See VLR’s History of the Universe Journals
** See VLR’s A History of England Volumes LIII, LIV and LXX.
In 1559 it was the silver tongue of VLR who forced the coronation of Elizabeth I. Elizabeth, a scholar of VLR, made her name in History because of the tactical military knowledge possessed by VLR. In 1588 VLR took their chance to force Spain’s hand after they executed Mary Queen of Scots. Spain sent the “Invincible” Armada to invade England with an aim of a Catholic king to sit at the throne. The Armada included 130 ships of war, 8,000 sailors and 20,000 soldiers. VLR, through the medium of Elizabeth, sent out 180 much smaller ships to meet the Armada in the English Channel.
The fleet was commanded by several VLR members, Sir Martin Frobisher, Sir Francis Drake, Lord Howard of Effingham and Sir John Hawkins who gave the English the upper hand with their smaller, more agile ships. Soon the Spanish retreated to the north however due to weather conditions they lost even more ships, 51 in total with over 9,000 men where as the English only lost 100 men. The defeat of the Armada did not release control of the seas immediately but it paved the way for eventual English control.
Some say that the VLR intervention of this war was due to force a stop to piracy, others believe it was so they could open more trade routes but once Elizabeth died in 1603, VLR withdrew their hold over the British Empire when James I (James VI of Scotland) took control. James was an arrogant intellectual, someone not welcome in the VLR ranks.
Since that day VLR became a major influence in the Wars of the World jumping from one to the other, using them to force a change in the world.
Its also worth to note that most of the worlds technologies were invented by members of VLR or people with VLR funding. Some to note are…
- Penicillin
- The Light Bulb
- NASA
- The Reverse Cowgirl Position
- The Rhetorical Question
- War and Peace
- Solar Power
- We coined the term 'Delusions of Grandeur'
- Steam Locomotive
- Cornflakes
- Short Wave Radio
- Bacon Cheese Burgers
- AK47
- The Ninja Diffuse Technique
- Masturbation
VLR have never been easy to find and until recently the only way to contact them was through Morse code, previous communication methods included Smoke Signals, Carrier Pigeon and the Enigma Machine, before the Germans stole the idea. VLR are still around today and can be found at www.v-l-r.org where they have combined the smartest and most talented individuals on the Internet forming rebellions. May they continue to pass on their military prowess through the ages.
by
Sunday, 1 February 2009
The Annual VLR Community Awards 2008
Our first prestige’s award tonight is for the 'Most helpful member of the VLR community' this award covers all aspects of forum and non forum subjects. This award requires intellect and tact from the recipient. I’m still baffled at the nominees but let’s run with it.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Numb-Nutz
- Plugpin
- RedRebel
Speech: "Wow thanks very much for all the votes. I'd like to thank all the teachers at the academy that made my meteorological rise to fame possible. I'd like to thank everyone that was wise enough to accept my generous bribes and the pentecostal church for funding my campaign.
A big thank you to everyone at VLR & Aldus Huxley that made this magical mystery tour possible.
I will use my new found fame to work towards world peace and saving the rainforest tribes that have so much to teach us in the operation of iPOD's"
Moving on our next award is 'Richard Pryor Award for Services to Humour'.
The shortlist of nominations are:
- ElBasque
- Plugpin
- hashegotabeard
Speech: 'Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent". I'd like to thank everyone that voted for me, especially the parole board, who made it possible for me to be here tonight. This ones dedicated to all my homies in cells B through to G'.
Our next award is for 'Funniest VLR Moment' : As to date the best quoted moment was the VLR win over a Clan called SXB We did ask for a suitable response to what can only be called owning them, but due to the fact this win from VLR is obviously still a sore point. No response was forthcoming So please raise your glasses to the VLR team for a well constructed Win Hip Hip Hooray!!
Our next coveted award is for the 'Spammer of the Year' and most non-related contributor to posting on OPF and VLR. This off topic award is a most coveted award.
The shortlist of nominations are:
- Lloydfred
- Blarty
- Plugpin
Speech: 'I would like to thank my parents, my friends, my fans and my sponsors. A special shout out to Apple who stuck with me through the good and the bad times when my mac was on the fritz. There were moments when I thought about giving up, when those bigots out there said I couldn't do it, but I persevered and we made it!
Thanks for the memories!'
*Plugpin left stage right with tears in his eyes, asking whether the acceptance speech was 'Gwyneth' enough*
Our next prestigious award was created for the person who has supported the VLR phenomenon throughout is development. The 'Jeeves of VLR' award was created out of a frustration and has now become the most addictive gaming related site on the net.
The shortlist of nominations were
- Redrebel
- Numb-Nutz
- Ejay
Speech: "I have to do another speech? eerm..... yeah........ i didn't have this much scripted from my team of writers so well........ thanks
For this award i would thank my sources of inspiration in hard times; Paul Masson, Jacob's Creek & Hardys
Wow its lonely up here, you all look so far away....staring at me with you vacant eyes like sheep......i'm gonna sit back down, thanks again"
Moving on swiftly our next award is for the 'Funniest phrase' used on or off topic
There was really no contest on this one, due to the sheer number of times it has been posted and it's somewhat unique hijack capabilites - we've lost count of how many OPF threads have been hijacked by this small phrase.
'Zombies anyone!!..LEVEL 15 You'
Our next award was created for the person who fails to show at any given opportunity. Especially if work is to be done or important decisions are to be made. The award is aptly named 'The Loch Ness Award'.
The shortlist of nominations are:
- Worbbly
- PabloMansini
- Greecehot
Speech: "If I could say a couple of words, I'd be a better public speaker. But really guys, I regrettably accept my award as I feel I'm am the most hard working member of VLR. So f*ck you all!
The next award can only be described as 'The Most likeley to end up Inside' award. An accident waiting to happen. The award was inspired by none other than Mr Ted Bundy himself. Our Award is to highlight the inevitable outcome that the winner will indeed do 3-5 years at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Lloydfred
- Plugpin
- The-A-Niall-ator
Speech: "I'd like to thank My Mum and Dad, My agent and my fans........Without them this would not have been possible.........................What do you F***ING mean its for F***ING Niall, B****CKS to that the blokes a F***ING feg, I demand a F***ING recount................ WA*KERS!"
Oh, ok....... moving swiftly onto the next award before we're shut down!!
The next award was created for the person who has quite frankly far too much time on his hands. And is called the 'Night Lloyd Award'. The winner would spend countless hours wasting away in front of Ajax anticipating a reply to a message.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Plugpin
- Lloydfred
- Ejay
Speech: "Well I'd like to accept this award on behalf of Plugpin and myself, Lloydfred, for the recognition on the flow of messages we are responsible for on Ajax. Unfortunately, Plug cannot be here to accept the award due to a pressing discussion on Ajax that needed his attention. Once again we thank you for your kind but harsh thoughts.... 'peace' "
Pressing on as its only 8.30pm and before the water shed, this next award is the "You Make Me Sick Award"!! We have come to the award for the person who VLR thinks has the most issues. This award was created for the most twisted and depraved mind the industry has to offer.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Numb-Nutz
- Numb-Nutz
- And last, but not least, Numb-Nutz
Speech: "Thank you all for this lovely award........................Its got a nice shape!
Laters, I'm off to insert this award in the missus!.................What?"
Our next award is called the The "Pablo Picasso Award" and goes to the most creative Photoshop individual within VLR.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Redrebel
- Numb-Nutz
- Blarty
Speech: "I owe this award to my late great mentor Mr Tony Hart...............................
That said, Morph was always bitter about our relationship................But hey, F*ck the little fool, I'm a winner!"
Our next award is the "Stair Hogger Award" this award was created for the person who takes the strategic stair position in a Zombies match.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Skittles
- Plugpin
- The-A-Niall-ator
Speech: "While being throw on stage saved both time and effort I’d like to ask that my underwear be returned to me…fast hands might I add.
I’d like to thank the academy, the runners, the moaners, the crawlers, the dreamteam, all who helped me become L337 at Zombie Bashing. I’d also like to specifically thank Beard, the one who doesn’t mind covering windows and wall (and does it well), Red who covers the stairs in times when I run out of ammo. And especially Nutz, for giving me the drive to make sure my ass fully covers the stairs with his endless bitching about it….You know you secretly LOVE it!
22, you?"
Our next special award is for the "Member who probably comes from Coventry but insists on implying he’s from Ireland".
The shortlist of nominations are
- The-A-Niall-ator
- Mac Chops
- Tedcurley
And the next Award is "The Rear of The Year", this award was developed for the individual who thrusts themselves in front of your shoot. This action usually results in you getting killed and slinging profanities at said individual!!
The shortlist of Nominations are
- Plugpin
- hashegotabeard
- Lloydfred
Speech: "I would like to thank my comrades for firstly leaving enough space for me to squeeze myself into in order to take said bullet!!
I would also like to thank my mum and dad for believing in my creative streak and pushing me on through Call of Duty 4 and onto World At WAR.
If I can just have the light dimmed I've created a PowerPoint presentation to outline my playing strategies within said games!!
What you mean the PowerPoint has been cut.... you Booning my presentation!?"
Our next award has caused us some problems tonight. We in fact had to bring in the builders and widen the doorways lol only joking. The next category is called The Johnny B Award
The Shortlist of nominations are
- Skittles
- Skittles
- And obviously the pamper himself Johnny Bravo
Speech: "I’d first like to thank the person who provided the baby oil which enabled me to be shoved through the door.
Arrogance is a beautiful thing and to be placed up there with the Jonny Bravo’s of the world is the truest honour I can imagine.
I would say more but there is a mirror in the back with my name on it"
Our next section is dedicated to the member who has the Best Admin skills. This award was created for the member who always takes the time to develop and keep the revolution on track.
The shortlist of nomination are
- Numb-Nutz
- Worbbly
- Redrebel
Speech: "Another award wow. well thats the pension fund and gold teeth sorted for the future...........what they're not gold? what are they then?...........what? virtual?......... screw this! i can't pay my mortgage virtually, i'm in negative equity you know! bloody cheapskates!
Thanks very much *bows*"
The next Award is named "Hax!" This award was designed for the member who has shown an exceptional performance on the killing grounds of World At War.
The shortlist of nominations are
- Tedcurley
- Skittles
- Numb-Nutz
Speech: "Thank you, thank you all. Thank you for not checking your sixes or covering your tracks with claymores. The tall grass may be hiding more than just dog turds, I may have left you a present of my own, everyone's favourite composition 4.
Of course, one man doesn't stand a chance against a whole team, so I think an honourable mention must go to Niall, Ejay, and Numb Nutz for their peformances, be it as allies or enemies. Whereas my bravery may often falter and leave me hiding behind a car or running scared to safety, my comrades always volunteer to sacrifice their lives for the good of the team. I can only wish I will one day share their courage.
In the meantime, however, I am more than happy to continue sneaking around, hiding in the shadows, and making UAVs return the distrustworthy "ALL CLEAR".
Oh and Ejay, you promised never to let me forget about that catastrophic failed ninja defuse. Damn you."
Well our next award is called the "VLR Swear Box", for reasons that will become very obvious...very quickly! This has been developed for the foulest mouthed individual within VLR!..Ill keep this one short because we're all sure who has won it so lets move on.
The shortlist of nominations are
- The-A-Niall-ator
- Numb-Nutz
- And, yes, The-A-Niall-ator
Speech: "**** you, you ******** ***** you can ********* shove **** up your **** backwards"
Our next award is for the "VLR Night Watchman". Unfortunately, due to important military advisement to Gordon Brown, the winner was unable to attend tonight and will be presented his award on the battle field.
However our winner, ElBasque, has provided us with a coded statement, which, on closer inspection, actually turned out to be a receipt from Tesco.
Basque was asked to comment on the winning of the award but was alseep at the time as it was daylight. We hope he'll send us a message of thanks tonight but frankly we aren't staying up till ungodly hours to see it
The Next award is described as being, for perseverance in the face of being ignored, yes it's the 'Poon' award....
The Nominees are
- Boonchan
- Lloydfred
- Jackalackus
Did somebody say something?.........i think we all missed it
Now let's move on to the next award this evening, the 'Silent But Deadly' award.
No, not named because of bodily gasses, but for the least talkative member on Ajax chat
The shortlist was whittled down to:
- Shafmeastro
- hashegotabeard
- Worbbly
Speech: "err..........ta....."
Now the next award is for the Most Attractive member of the clan, and this award is only open
to those members of VLR that have unmasked themselves to others, although flashing in the local park has been ruled out.
In undertaking this award, and in keeping with the regulations, it is important to understand that the judges have had to confirm the authenticity of each picture, and many nominations did seem to have pictures that originated from the LadyBoy circus of Thailand, and they
were duly disqualified.
The nominations are
- Brewzter
- Worbbly
- Skittles
Speech: Brewz : 'Thanks very much, I think I speak for both Worbbs and myself in saying that although this is a joint award, it wasn't a joint picture,you know, we're not together or anything like that.'
Worrbly: 'Yeah'
Brewzter: '... and to be honest I'm surprised my picture was nominated, as apparently Google SafeSearch was turned on, when I was searching through Nutz' back catalogue of fine pictu.... Wha?'
Worrb: 'Shut up....'
Brewz: 'Oh yeah...ta anyway'
Worrb: ' Yeah....ta'
Now for next award - The VLR "Suicide Bomber of the Year" award, this award presented only to the most depressed emo-like players, is presented in a bomb-proof case, so even if the award winner, suddenly becomes depressed at being presented with such a prestigious commendation of their work, the award won't get damaged, or covered in gobbets of brains... plus we can re-use it next year...so everyone's a winner!
And now onto the nominations
- The-A-Niall-ator
- Skittles
- PabloMansini
Now we come onto out penultimate award of the evening for 'Most Embarrassing Clan-based Moment'
The nominations are
- TedCurley, for his failed Ninja defuse
- Greece, for taking an epic ninja defuse and being genuinely confused on the mic
- Ohmsford, for wandering around trying to find his teammates instead of defusing the bomb..... they were already dead by the way
We can see the other nominess breathing, which can only be described as, a sigh of relief, at not having to approach the stage.
Here comes Ted, approaching the stage, holding his head, in what can only be descibed as the classic facepalm position.
Speech: 'erm.... yeah.... I'm still very traumatised by the amount of laughing you bunch gave me.... my therapist, says *sniff* I should just LET IT GO *wail*.....*sniff* no I'm okay... keep it together, keep it together....'
And now for the last award of the evening the "Argh Cobras!" award for the sneakiest online player
This was one of the most difficult awards for this evening's judges, they couldn't find any of the nominees, and any time anyone bad-mouthed one of the nominees, they would find their breakfasts had been tampered with, and a small box of Milk Tray would be left to their beds, with not chocolates but a large dump inside....sneaky feckers
Anyway here's the nominees
- TedCurley (presenter dodges hidden C4)
- jackalackus (presenter dodges sniper bullet)
- The-A-Niall-ator (presenter dodges Irish accent)
Presenter: "Ted where are you?'
*Diembodied Voice*: I'd first like to say thanks to all those who voted for me, and the SAS who trained me, as well as all those people that drove here this evening
Presenter: "Drove here? What do you mean'
*Dismbodied Voice * : Well I've just nicked all your wheels and told the coppers your all terrorists....
Presenter: " You sneaky son of a ...."
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