hashegotaclue?: Beard's guide to the gaming Universe, Vol. 1- Wipeout HD

Like a horse in a high-visability jacket Wipeout HD burst onto the gaming scene as a PSN exclusive download on 25th September, 2008 also later as a demo. The game, despite it's humble store-only status, still packs a considerable punch and sports full 1080p support at 60 (fps) frames per second, full single player campaign, upto 8 player multiplayer, 5.1 surround with custom soundtracks, trophies and a nifty little photo mode to boot. It was developed by Studio Liverpool and published by Sony.


Features

Wipeout HD brings with it some new features to the series whilst retaining some that already have made an appearance in previous installments.

Pilot assist
Pilot assist will help you navigate the tracks by adjusting your steering should you get too close to the sides of the track. This feature is available from the main menu by going to 'Options', 'Game', or from the in-game pause menu.

Barrel roles
Performing a barrel role uses a small amount of the ships energy but if performed sucessfully will gain you a brief burst of speed. You cannot perform a barrell role if your ship is low on energy.

To perform a barrel role, wait until your ship is in mid air then move either the analogue or direction buttons left-right-left, right-left-right.

Air Brakes
Each ship is fitted with custom-tuned airbrakes for maximum cornering ability at high speeds. Activating the left or right airbrakes when taking a tight corner (using the shoulder trigger buttons) will maintain your speed but increase your turning ability. Master the airbrakes to improve your laptimes and outrun the compitition.

Side Shift
A shide shift will move your ship sideways to avoid a collision with objects directly in front of you. To perform a sideshift double tap the left or right airbrake button.

Absorbing
Instead of firing a weapon or activating a pickup, you can chose to absorb it and regain some of your ship energy. Different items and weapons give different amounts of energy. Knowing when to use or absorb pickups is a key strategy that can make all the difference between winning and losing races.

Ship Loyalty
Each race you take part in will credit you with loyalty points for the ship you use in that race. Build up your loyalty points for each team for rewards (new skins, trophies and HUD's). More loyalty points are given for perfect laps and a bonus is given if you race in a higher difficulty than Novice.

Photo mode
During any race, pause the game and select the photo mode option. You can choose which ship will be the focus of the camera, adjust the camera angle, zoom level, and so on. When you take a photo, it is saved as a JPEG format to your PS3's photo folder. The photo will be saved at the resolution the game is played at.


Speed Classes
The game offers four speed classes; venom, flash, rapier and phantom. Basically each class has a different top speed and the number of laps is also increased.


Controls

-Left Airbrake	-Right Airbrake
-Accelerate	-Fire/use pickup
-Absorb	-Look back
-camera	-voice chat

Game modes

There's essentially 3 modes that confront you at the main menu; Campaign, Racebox and Online. I'd strongly recommend getting to grips with the campaign as effectively it's a set of challenges based on the various race modes you'll find throughout the game that push your ability to the limits.


Campaign

Campaign is split into three difficulty levels across 8 different events. The aim is to complete 'cells' by acheiving medals (either gold, silver, or bronze on either difficulty setting) and progressing to the next event. You can only progress to the next event once you've collected a set amount of cells. You are awarded three cells for each gold, two for a silver and one for bronze. As you progress through the events they'll be more cells needed to progress, more laps and races and a higher zones level.

Unlocking a new event will also unlock new tracks and vehicles. Get a medal for every cell in campaign and you'll be awarded chrome skins for all the craft in the game.


Racebox

Racebox is effectively Wipeout HD's arcade mode where you can set up your own races and alter the settings, tracks etc. Let's use this oppurtunity to focus at the five race types available; Single Race, Tournament, Time Trial, Speed Lap, and Zone mode.

Single Race
Race against AI opponents for first place in a one off race. Opponent AI is adjustable and you can select whether weapons are on or off. You also have the freedom of any vehicles or tracks you've unlocked.

Tournament
A series of races in which points are awarded for each finishing position with the winner being the competitor with the most points at the end of all the races. Consistency is key here.

Time Trial
You are your only opponent in this one as you race against your own best time. It's a combined total over three laps so agin, consistency is paramount. Theres no weapons pad but each lap you're given a free turbo boost. You cannot horde turbos though so make sure you use it at least once every lap.

Speed Lap
Similiar to time trial but this time you've got 99 attempts maximum to put in one blistering lap time. The trick to this is to use your boost just before the finish line so it gives you a head start in the next lap. Then, in that lap, use it before you hit the finish line for maximum effect.

Zones
Zones sees the player's initially slow craft become progressively faster throughout the race, passing through different numbered zones, or categories of speed; the player must continue to navigate the course until their energy runs out and the ship explodes. Visuals also differ greatly in this mode, with environments stripped of texture, replaced with a single colour that changes continuously in waves, whilst graphic equalizers on the track and scenery display the waveform for the currently playing audio track. Loyalty Points still count for your chosen team despite the craft used always being the same.


Online

In addition to offline-play, Wipeout HD offers an eight-player online mode. A lobby system allows players to find races to join, which can comprise either single races, or twelve-race competitions. Should a player's ship explode due to loss of energy, unlike the single-player mode, the player's craft will reappear on the track some moments later. Voice chat is also supported for online racing.


Vehicles

The vehicles or AG (Anti-Gravity) craft are split into different teams with each team having their own unique design and set of stats. Twelve teams are featured in Wipeout HD, and their ship designs are inspired by those featured in Wipeout Pulse:

AG Systems

Speed:70
Thrust:90
Handling:90
Shield:80

Assegai Developments

Speed:80
Thrust:80
Handling:90
Shield:70

Qirex Research and Development

Speed:80
Thrust:70
Handling:80
Shield:90

Piranha Advancements


Speed:100
Thrust:60
Handling:60
Shield:90

EG-X Technologies


Speed:80
Thrust:90
Handling:70
Shield:70

Triakis


Speed:90
Thrust:60
Handling:60
Shield:100

Goteki 45


Speed:70
Thrust:100
Handling:70
Shield:80

Feisar


Speed:70
Thrust:80
Handling:100
Shield:80

Unlockable Craft:

Mirage


Speed:80
Thrust:80
Handling:80
Shield:80

Icaras


Speed:100
Thrust:70
Handling:70
Shield:60

Harimau International


Speed:80
Thrust:70
Handling:90
Shield:70

Auricom Research Industries


Speed:90
Thrust:70
Handling:60
Shield:90

All the vehicles have 4 liveries (paint schemes). You will start off with just one default livery and unlock two more by attaining Loyalty points earned for each lap you race, in any event, with that chosen team. The fourth livery is a chrome skin that is unlocked upon achieving all cells (either bronze, silver or gold) in campaign mode and is unlocked for all teams regardless of which AG craft you used to complete campaign. You'll need to unlock this special livery and compete in an online race with 7 other opponents sporting the same skin to earn yourself the 'bling brigade' trophy.


Weapons & Pickups

It's not just racing round a circuit like a shandy drinker you know. AG pilots have a plethora of weapons at their disposal to use against other opponents. Weapons are awarded whilst racing in the form of pickups. Using your weapons correctly and stragically can often mean the difference between being a worthy winner or being shamefully eliminated on the first lap. To pickup a weapon fly over the glowing red pads and your ship will be randomly equipped with one of the following weapons:

Autopilot
Surrender control of your ship to an automated pilot for a few seconds and admire the scenery. NOTE: This is different from the Pilot assist turned on/off in the settings menu.

Whilst incredibly useful in the higher speed classes it's pretty ineffective at the lower speeds due to some minor drawbacks.

Firstly, you're reduced to 90% thrust although this is countered by the better handling. Whilst in auto-pilot you can't pick up any weapon pads the AI flies over. Finally, te autopilot follows a pre-determined racing line; if an opponent is hit up ahead and slows down in front of you the AI tends to drive into it slowing you down in the process.

Shield
Become Invulnerable to weapons fire or collision damage for a brief period with this protective energy field.

The ultimate defensive pickup. Timing with the shield is paramount to it's sucess. Using in conjuction with your rear view or listen out for your good lady friend to give you the heads up.

Turbo
Activate a Turbo and boost your way through the pack, over a jump, or out of harm's way with a gratifying burst of speed.

A neutral 'weapon' but incredibly important. If you get one of these when you're in the front of the pack keep hold of it until it's needed; whether it's boosting over the finish line or recovering after a rocket attack, turbo will put you back in the race. Combine it with a turbo pad for maximum effect.

Rockets
Dependable and Destructive, the Rockets are three forward-firing projectiles that practically guarantee a hit at close-range.

Powerful and have a wide radius as three rockets are fired, the drawback, is they don't lock on so fire in a straight line. Most effective at close range or on the straights.

Missile
This smart Missile can be fired instantly for a ricochet effect, or locked-on for a more accurate shot at the competition.

Similiar to the rocket but with the ability to lock on. Avoid firing at oponnents around corners to make sure of the hit.

Cannon
Pepper your opponents with this 30 round rapid-fire barrage of high-caliber proton shells. Fire in bursts for best effect.

Forward firing. Each round is relatively weak but when you continually hit an advisary it really slows them down. Its burst fire is also handy and means its more forgiving if you miss the first time.

Plasma
This dark energy weapon surges across the track causing heavy damage to anything that crosses its path.

Tremendously powerful weapon. Hit an opponent with one of these and you'll seriously set them back. Drawback is the beam has to charge for a short time so your timimg is crucial for a hit. The blast radius has good coverage though so its more forgiving than say rocket or cannon fire.

Quake
This high-power seismic shock will blaze its way down the track with a fierce, explosive momentum.

The ultimate leveller. The quake sends a shockwave round the whole of the track effecting all of your opponents as it passes. One of the best weapons in the game.

Leech Beam
The Leech Beam is a pulsating electronic grapple that drains energy from your opponents and transfers it to your ship.

Handy especially if your craft has a low shield stat or you catch a player with a weak shield.

Mine
Drop a quintet of the floating Mines to blindside your opponents with a finely-tuned trail of explosions.

Again, a great defensive weapon. For maximum effect switch from one side of the track to another on the straights and on corners deploy on the racing line.

Bomb
Unleash this high-grade wide-radius explosive from the rear of your ship and prepare for a satisfying detonation.

Devastating blast for whoever gets caught in it. Will sit there for the whole lap aswell.


In addition you can absorb a weapon which gets rid of it in exchange for a little health. This is incredibly useful if your ships at breaking point or just that the pickup thats been equipped is ineffective at that time. As you can't pick up more than one weapon at a time you might aswell absorb it if it's no use to you.


Tracks

There are eight available tracks in Wipeout HD, all of which are remastered versions of tracks from the two previous PlayStation Portable Wipeout games; six of the tracks are from Wipeout Pure, and two are from Wipeout Pulse. All tracks can be played forward and backwards, much akin to the "black" and "white" modes of Wipeout Pulse, as well as in Zone mode.

Some sections of track also feature Mag Strips, which return from Wipeout Pulse; these stick the player's vehicle to the track, and allow the piloting of sections that would not otherwise be possible due to gravity.

• Chenghou Project
• Sol 2
• Vineta K
• Sebenco Climb
• Anulpha Pass
• Übermall
• Moa Therma
• Metropia

Trophies

The game comes complete with 38 trophies. Some are as simple as taking a photo others will take alot of time and dedication. As not all trophies have an easy fix I won't try and go through them in great detail. Instead here's a list detailing the trophies on offer including the hidden trophies. Make yourself aware of them, most you'll gain just playing through the game at your leisure but some will require you to practice and perservere...

Uplift-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Uplift.

Warped-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Warped.

Frenzy-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Frenzy.

Vertigo-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Vertigo.

Head Rush-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Head Rush.

Speed Freak-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Speed Freak.

Dropzone-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Dropzone.

Meltdown-Bronze Trophy
Obtain a medal for every cell in Meltdown.

1 Gold Medal won, 86 to go... -Bronze Trophy
Obtain your first gold medal.

Flatland Flyer-Bronze Trophy
Execute and land a successful barrel roll on Moa Therma.

Own the Zone-Bronze Trophy
Get 20 consecutive perfect zones in a single Zone Mode event.

Double Kill-Bronze Trophy
Eliminate at least two opponents in any race.

Endurance-Bronze Trophy
Finish an online 12 race tournament.

Connected 1-Bronze Trophy
Finish 10 online races.

Campaign Legend-Silver Trophy
Obtain a gold medal for every cell in Race Campaign.

Airbraker-Silver Trophy
Reach Zone 50 (Subsonic) in Zone Mode on any track using only airbrakes and sideshift. Motion sensor controls must be turned off.

Tournament Ace-Silver Trophy
Win every race of an 8 stage Racebox tournament on Skilled or Elite difficulty.

Connected 2-Silver Trophy
Win 10 online races.

Lapped Out-Silver Trophy
Complete 99 laps in a single Racebox, Speed Lap session.

AG Assassin-Silver Trophy
Eliminate 50 online opponents.

WipEout Disciple-Silver Trophy
Obtain 100,000 loyalty points for any team.

Elite Campaign Legend-Gold Trophy
Obtain a gold medal for every cell in Race Campaign on Elite difficulty.

Zone Zeus-Gold Trophy
In Zone Mode, reach Zone 75 on any track.

Arcade Perfect-Gold Trophy
Finish 1st on all 16 tracks in Phantom class Racebox races on Elite difficulty.

Beat Zico-Gold Trophy
Equal or beat the lap time of 30.82 seconds on Anulpha Pass (Forward), Speed Lap, Venom using the Piranha.

Livery Liberation-Gold Trophy
Unlock every ship skin in the game.

Transcendence-Platinum Trophy
Earn all the trophies in the game.

Secret Trophies:

Deadly Momentum-Bronze Trophy
Get eliminated in a race on Novice difficulty.

Smile Please-Bronze Trophy
Use Photo Mode to take a photo.

Rookie Reward-Bronze Trophy
Win any race with Pilot Assist on.

Happy Accident?-Bronze Trophy
Execute your first successful barrel roll.

Thanks for the Memory-Bronze Trophy
Win a Campaign, Racebox or Online race using each HUD style variation.

Motion Master-Bronze Trophy
Win a Campaign or Racebox race with the motion sensor option set to 'pitch and steering'. Directional buttons, Left Stick & Pilot Assist cannot be used to obtain this trophy.

Mercenary-Bronze Trophy
Get at least 500 loyalty points for each team.

Keep Rollin'-Bronze Trophy
Execute 100 successful barrel rolls.

Gemini-Bronze Trophy
Complete 20 two-player, split-screen races.

Sponge-Bronze Trophy
Absorb 500 items.

Bling Brigade-Bronze Trophy
Finish an eight player online race with all players using ships that are displaying Campaign Skins.

Advertisement: Nytol

VLR Through the Ages

If history has taught us anything, it’s that you should never trust a man who say’s “Ergo”, but more importantly, it’s that rebellions are one of the best ways to force change. From the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 to the Rebel Alliance of 2 BBY we are surrounded by both successful and disastrous uprisings.

VLR stood in the background as the voice in the ear of great military leaders until a much later date in history. To find the very beginning of Viva La Revolucion, you have to go back to the Battle of Marathon in Greece 490 B.C. Where the Athenian commander, Miltiades, was set to defend Greece from Persian King Darius and his 20,000 strong army. It was VLR who told him to set obstacles to prevent the cavalry from approaching and then was convinced to charge the attack rather than the conventional Greek phalanx attack, a slower paced attack. This proved to be more than successful, as the Greeks now possessed the valuable knowledge of bronze armour and the spear handed down from the VLR archives and thus annihilated Darius’ men. The Persians retreated leaving 6,400 dead behind them.

There are no names linked with the very beginnings of VLR but it was said that Aristotle was an honorary member, using VLR technologies and tactical knowledge to tutor Alexander the Great so VLR could force military change over the world. There are reports that it was VLR who assassinated Alexander’s father, Philip II of Macedon by the hand of Pausanias of Orestis, one of his 7 body guards, in order to force a dramatic change in the empire, fortunately Aristotle twisted the truth in order to maintain VLR’s hidden identity in history.

The workings of VLR went quiet for many years after the death of Alexander the Great. History is sketchy and there are reports that VLR had disbanded. It was not until 1554 that the name ‘VLR’ turned up again in the History books when they made a major change in History to force a change in the control of the sea’s.

Elizabeth I of England was imprisoned in the Tower of London by her half sister Mary on suspicion of supporting protestant rebels. Truth is, that it was VLR who she had been supporting.* Some VLR members believe it was she who had reformed the VLR rebellion but it’s very much a theory based on too little evidence.**

* There are no reports that VLR favour any of the worlds Religions other than Jedi *See VLR’s History of the Universe Journals

** See VLR’s A History of England Volumes LIII, LIV and LXX.

In 1559 it was the silver tongue of VLR who forced the coronation of Elizabeth I. Elizabeth, a scholar of VLR, made her name in History because of the tactical military knowledge possessed by VLR. In 1588 VLR took their chance to force Spain’s hand after they executed Mary Queen of Scots. Spain sent the “Invincible” Armada to invade England with an aim of a Catholic king to sit at the throne. The Armada included 130 ships of war, 8,000 sailors and 20,000 soldiers. VLR, through the medium of Elizabeth, sent out 180 much smaller ships to meet the Armada in the English Channel.

The fleet was commanded by several VLR members, Sir Martin Frobisher, Sir Francis Drake, Lord Howard of Effingham and Sir John Hawkins who gave the English the upper hand with their smaller, more agile ships. Soon the Spanish retreated to the north however due to weather conditions they lost even more ships, 51 in total with over 9,000 men where as the English only lost 100 men. The defeat of the Armada did not release control of the seas immediately but it paved the way for eventual English control.

Some say that the VLR intervention of this war was due to force a stop to piracy, others believe it was so they could open more trade routes but once Elizabeth died in 1603, VLR withdrew their hold over the British Empire when James I (James VI of Scotland) took control. James was an arrogant intellectual, someone not welcome in the VLR ranks.

Since that day VLR became a major influence in the Wars of the World jumping from one to the other, using them to force a change in the world.

Its also worth to note that most of the worlds technologies were invented by members of VLR or people with VLR funding. Some to note are…

• Penicillin
• The Light Bulb
• NASA
• The Reverse Cowgirl Position
• The Rhetorical Question
• War and Peace
• Solar Power
• We coined the term 'Delusions of Grandeur'
• Steam Locomotive
• Cornflakes
• Short Wave Radio
• Bacon Cheese Burgers
• AK47
• The Ninja Diffuse Technique
• Masturbation

VLR have never been easy to find and until recently the only way to contact them was through Morse code, previous communication methods included Smoke Signals, Carrier Pigeon and the Enigma Machine, before the Germans stole the idea. VLR are still around today and can be found at www.v-l-r.org where they have combined the smartest and most talented individuals on the Internet forming rebellions. May they continue to pass on their military prowess through the ages.

---

by

The Annual VLR Community Awards 2008

Our first prestige’s award tonight is for the 'Most helpful member of the VLR community' this award covers all aspects of forum and non forum subjects. This award requires intellect and tact from the recipient. I’m still baffled at the nominees but let’s run with it.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Numb-Nutz
• Plugpin
• RedRebel

And the winner.... he’s been described as the Gandhi of VLR, please put your hands together for the original Rebel of the OPF Mr Redrebel!

Speech: "Wow thanks very much for all the votes. I'd like to thank all the teachers at the academy that made my meteorological rise to fame possible. I'd like to thank everyone that was wise enough to accept my generous bribes and the pentecostal church for funding my campaign.
A big thank you to everyone at VLR & Aldus Huxley that made this magical mystery tour possible.
I will use my new found fame to work towards world peace and saving the rainforest tribes that have so much to teach us in the operation of iPOD's"


Moving on our next award is 'Richard Pryor Award for Services to Humour'.

The shortlist of nominations are:

• ElBasque
• Plugpin
• hashegotabeard

And the winner the Ayatollah Khomeini of VLR, and some say he is the third Chuckle Brother! The undisclosed creator of Cheech & Chong. Yes, he has a Beard...... Mr facial hair himself hashegotabeard

Speech: 'Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent". I'd like to thank everyone that voted for me, especially the parole board, who made it possible for me to be here tonight. This ones dedicated to all my homies in cells B through to G'.


Our next award is for 'Funniest VLR Moment' : As to date the best quoted moment was the VLR win over a Clan called SXB We did ask for a suitable response to what can only be called owning them, but due to the fact this win from VLR is obviously still a sore point. No response was forthcoming So please raise your glasses to the VLR team for a well constructed Win Hip Hip Hooray!!

Our next coveted award is for the 'Spammer of the Year' and most non-related contributor to posting on OPF and VLR. This off topic award is a most coveted award.

The shortlist of nominations are:

• Lloydfred
• Blarty
• Plugpin

And the most deserving contributor, with an undisputed post count of 1,929 and far too much time on his hands..... Plugpin! He’s also created post count problems on OPF by resulting in crashing the post count system. Come on Plug come get your award just remember were on a schedule tonight and try to keep on topic.

Speech: 'I would like to thank my parents, my friends, my fans and my sponsors. A special shout out to Apple who stuck with me through the good and the bad times when my mac was on the fritz. There were moments when I thought about giving up, when those bigots out there said I couldn't do it, but I persevered and we made it!

Thanks for the memories!'

*Plugpin left stage right with tears in his eyes, asking whether the acceptance speech was 'Gwyneth' enough*

Our next prestigious award was created for the person who has supported the VLR phenomenon throughout is development. The 'Jeeves of VLR' award was created out of a frustration and has now become the most addictive gaming related site on the net.

The shortlist of nominations were

• Redrebel
• Numb-Nutz
• Ejay

And without further adue please all stand and welcome onto our stage a most deserving candidate...... Mr Redrebel

Speech: "I have to do another speech? eerm..... yeah........ i didn't have this much scripted from my team of writers so well........ thanks

For this award i would thank my sources of inspiration in hard times; Paul Masson, Jacob's Creek & Hardys

Wow its lonely up here, you all look so far away....staring at me with you vacant eyes like sheep......i'm gonna sit back down, thanks again"


Moving on swiftly our next award is for the 'Funniest phrase' used on or off topic

There was really no contest on this one, due to the sheer number of times it has been posted and it's somewhat unique hijack capabilites - we've lost count of how many OPF threads have been hijacked by this small phrase.

'Zombies anyone!!..LEVEL 15 You'


Our next award was created for the person who fails to show at any given opportunity. Especially if work is to be done or important decisions are to be made. The award is aptly named 'The Loch Ness Award'.

The shortlist of nominations are:

• Worbbly
• PabloMansini
• Greecehot

And the winner is..... Worbbly is he here?

Speech: "If I could say a couple of words, I'd be a better public speaker. But really guys, I regrettably accept my award as I feel I'm am the most hard working member of VLR. So f*ck you all!


The next award can only be described as 'The Most likeley to end up Inside' award. An accident waiting to happen. The award was inspired by none other than Mr Ted Bundy himself. Our Award is to highlight the inevitable outcome that the winner will indeed do 3-5 years at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Lloydfred
• Plugpin
• The-A-Niall-ator

Unfortunately the winner couldn’t be with us today due to serving a short stretch for voicing profanities at his local McDonald’s, as the Sausage and Egg McMuffins included a small amount of shell. Here to accept the award on behalf of.....The-A-Niall-ator...... Mr Nutz

Speech: "I'd like to thank My Mum and Dad, My agent and my fans........Without them this would not have been possible.........................What do you F***ING mean its for F***ING Niall, B****CKS to that the blokes a F***ING feg, I demand a F***ING recount................ WA*KERS!"

Oh, ok....... moving swiftly onto the next award before we're shut down!!


The next award was created for the person who has quite frankly far too much time on his hands. And is called the 'Night Lloyd Award'. The winner would spend countless hours wasting away in front of Ajax anticipating a reply to a message.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Plugpin
• Lloydfred
• Ejay

And this award has coursed the Mod’s some problems and defining the lost soul of VLR. Without further a due I’m pleased to announce for the first time in our short history a joint award please welcome Mr Plugpin and Lloydfred to the stage

Speech: "Well I'd like to accept this award on behalf of Plugpin and myself, Lloydfred, for the recognition on the flow of messages we are responsible for on Ajax. Unfortunately, Plug cannot be here to accept the award due to a pressing discussion on Ajax that needed his attention. Once again we thank you for your kind but harsh thoughts.... 'peace' "


Pressing on as its only 8.30pm and before the water shed, this next award is the "You Make Me Sick Award"!! We have come to the award for the person who VLR thinks has the most issues. This award was created for the most twisted and depraved mind the industry has to offer.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Numb-Nutz
• Numb-Nutz
• And last, but not least, Numb-Nutz

Please put your hands together for the Man Train himself, the ball bag of Tiny Picture’s destruction himself, Mr Numb-Nutz

Speech: "Thank you all for this lovely award........................Its got a nice shape!
Laters, I'm off to insert this award in the missus!.................What?"


Our next award is called the The "Pablo Picasso Award" and goes to the most creative Photoshop individual within VLR.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Redrebel
• Numb-Nutz
• Blarty

And the winner of the award is none other than Mr Numb-Nutz!! I understand if you look at the screen behind me you will see some examples of his fine artistry works. OMG not the Man Train again!!

Speech: "I owe this award to my late great mentor Mr Tony Hart...............................
That said, Morph was always bitter about our relationship................But hey, F*ck the little fool, I'm a winner!"


Our next award is the "Stair Hogger Award" this award was created for the person who takes the strategic stair position in a Zombies match.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Skittles
• Plugpin
• The-A-Niall-ator

And the winner please all stand and welcome Skittles to the stage! However she has a short flight of stairs to negotiate and we don’t have all night. Nutz, Red chuck her up on stage.

Speech: "While being throw on stage saved both time and effort I’d like to ask that my underwear be returned to me…fast hands might I add.

I’d like to thank the academy, the runners, the moaners, the crawlers, the dreamteam, all who helped me become L337 at Zombie Bashing. I’d also like to specifically thank Beard, the one who doesn’t mind covering windows and wall (and does it well), Red who covers the stairs in times when I run out of ammo. And especially Nutz, for giving me the drive to make sure my ass fully covers the stairs with his endless bitching about it….You know you secretly LOVE it!

22, you?"


Our next special award is for the "Member who probably comes from Coventry but insists on implying he’s from Ireland".

The shortlist of nominations are

• The-A-Niall-ator
• Mac Chops
• Tedcurley

And the winner of this award unfortunately has been removed from the building, for yes assaulting the ice-cream vender with foul and quite disgusting language. I must say pulling his pants down and placing a cornet in his ass was quite frankly a step to far. We will hold the trophy for ninety days in which time I’m sure he will be out, so show your appreciation for The-A-Niall-ator

And the next Award is "The Rear of The Year", this award was developed for the individual who thrusts themselves in front of your shoot. This action usually results in you getting killed and slinging profanities at said individual!!

The shortlist of Nominations are

• Plugpin
• hashegotabeard
• Lloydfred

And the undisputed winner of this award is a man who has no problems thrusting himself in front of his comrades. Although he would argue the fact he’s taking a bullet for them Mr Lloydfred. Lloyd, no need to sprint up on stage and you can put that drafted letter away we're overrunning!!

Speech: "I would like to thank my comrades for firstly leaving enough space for me to squeeze myself into in order to take said bullet!!

I would also like to thank my mum and dad for believing in my creative streak and pushing me on through Call of Duty 4 and onto World At WAR.

If I can just have the light dimmed I've created a PowerPoint presentation to outline my playing strategies within said games!!

What you mean the PowerPoint has been cut.... you Booning my presentation!?"


Our next award has caused us some problems tonight. We in fact had to bring in the builders and widen the doorways lol only joking. The next category is called The Johnny B Award

The Shortlist of nominations are

• Skittles
• Skittles
• And obviously the pamper himself Johnny Bravo

And the winner of this most coveted award is Skittles. She is as described in her autobiography as Hot!! She also has a well portioned but oversized cranial. Yes it’s the hottie of VLR put your hands together for VLR’s answer to wet dreams Miss Skittles

Speech: "I’d first like to thank the person who provided the baby oil which enabled me to be shoved through the door.

Arrogance is a beautiful thing and to be placed up there with the Jonny Bravo’s of the world is the truest honour I can imagine.

I would say more but there is a mirror in the back with my name on it"


Our next section is dedicated to the member who has the Best Admin skills. This award was created for the member who always takes the time to develop and keep the revolution on track.

The shortlist of nomination are

• Numb-Nutz
• Worbbly
• Redrebel

And the winner, because as in the words of the Highlander, “there can be only one”, is the man himself the revolution co-ordinator, RedRebel

Speech: "Another award wow. well thats the pension fund and gold teeth sorted for the future...........what they're not gold? what are they then?...........what? virtual?......... screw this! i can't pay my mortgage virtually, i'm in negative equity you know! bloody cheapskates!

Thanks very much *bows*"


The next Award is named "Hax!" This award was designed for the member who has shown an exceptional performance on the killing grounds of World At War.

The shortlist of nominations are

• Tedcurley
• Skittles
• Numb-Nutz

Please extend a warm welcome onto the stage Mr Tedcurley. Wow, Ted no need for the Hax acrobatics just get your scrawny ass up here, time is money after all, and were overrunning!

Speech: "Thank you, thank you all. Thank you for not checking your sixes or covering your tracks with claymores. The tall grass may be hiding more than just dog turds, I may have left you a present of my own, everyone's favourite composition 4.
Of course, one man doesn't stand a chance against a whole team, so I think an honourable mention must go to Niall, Ejay, and Numb Nutz for their peformances, be it as allies or enemies. Whereas my bravery may often falter and leave me hiding behind a car or running scared to safety, my comrades always volunteer to sacrifice their lives for the good of the team. I can only wish I will one day share their courage.
In the meantime, however, I am more than happy to continue sneaking around, hiding in the shadows, and making UAVs return the distrustworthy "ALL CLEAR".
Oh and Ejay, you promised never to let me forget about that catastrophic failed ninja defuse. Damn you."


Well our next award is called the "VLR Swear Box", for reasons that will become very obvious...very quickly! This has been developed for the foulest mouthed individual within VLR!..Ill keep this one short because we're all sure who has won it so lets move on.

The shortlist of nominations are

• The-A-Niall-ator
• Numb-Nutz
• And, yes, The-A-Niall-ator

And unfortunately the winner as disclosed earlier is of course The-A-Niall-ator. Due to unforeseen events Niall cannot be here with us tonight. We have however been issued this brief statement as he was carried away by Her Majesty’s finest to Broadmoor

Speech: "**** you, you ******** ***** you can ********* shove **** up your **** backwards"


Our next award is for the "VLR Night Watchman". Unfortunately, due to important military advisement to Gordon Brown, the winner was unable to attend tonight and will be presented his award on the battle field.

However our winner, ElBasque, has provided us with a coded statement, which, on closer inspection, actually turned out to be a receipt from Tesco.

Basque was asked to comment on the winning of the award but was alseep at the time as it was daylight. We hope he'll send us a message of thanks tonight but frankly we aren't staying up till ungodly hours to see it


The Next award is described as being, for perseverance in the face of being ignored, yes it's the 'Poon' award....

The Nominees are

• Boonchan
• Lloydfred
• Jackalackus

And the winner is...Boonchan

Did somebody say something?.........i think we all missed it


Now let's move on to the next award this evening, the 'Silent But Deadly' award.
No, not named because of bodily gasses, but for the least talkative member on Ajax chat

The shortlist was whittled down to:

• Shafmeastro
• hashegotabeard
• Worbbly

And the award goes to Shafmeastro. Shaf is recently back from Fallout 3, so come up here and accept your award...

Speech: "err..........ta....."


Now the next award is for the Most Attractive member of the clan, and this award is only open
to those members of VLR that have unmasked themselves to others, although flashing in the local park has been ruled out.

In undertaking this award, and in keeping with the regulations, it is important to understand that the judges have had to confirm the authenticity of each picture, and many nominations did seem to have pictures that originated from the LadyBoy circus of Thailand, and they
were duly disqualified.

The nominations are

• Brewzter
• Worbbly
• Skittles

And the winner is, another joint winner, for Brewzter and Worbbly

Speech: Brewz : 'Thanks very much, I think I speak for both Worbbs and myself in saying that although this is a joint award, it wasn't a joint picture,you know, we're not together or anything like that.'
Worrbly: 'Yeah'
Brewzter: '... and to be honest I'm surprised my picture was nominated, as apparently Google SafeSearch was turned on, when I was searching through Nutz' back catalogue of fine pictu.... Wha?'
Worrb: 'Shut up....'
Brewz: 'Oh yeah...ta anyway'
Worrb: ' Yeah....ta'


Now for next award - The VLR "Suicide Bomber of the Year" award, this award presented only to the most depressed emo-like players, is presented in a bomb-proof case, so even if the award winner, suddenly becomes depressed at being presented with such a prestigious commendation of their work, the award won't get damaged, or covered in gobbets of brains... plus we can re-use it next year...so everyone's a winner!

And now onto the nominations

• The-A-Niall-ator
• Skittles
• PabloMansini

And the award goes to The-A-Niall-ator - Unfortunately Niall couldn't be here right now, as he's currently swearing at someone at the bar, and saying 'If I'm being taken back to Broadmoor, you're coming with me.....'

Now we come onto out penultimate award of the evening for 'Most Embarrassing Clan-based Moment'

The nominations are

• TedCurley, for his failed Ninja defuse
• Greece, for taking an epic ninja defuse and being genuinely confused on the mic
• Ohmsford, for wandering around trying to find his teammates instead of defusing the bomb..... they were already dead by the way

And the winner is TedCurley for his failed Ninja Defuse, come on up here Ted.

We can see the other nominess breathing, which can only be described as, a sigh of relief, at not having to approach the stage.

Here comes Ted, approaching the stage, holding his head, in what can only be descibed as the classic facepalm position.

Speech: 'erm.... yeah.... I'm still very traumatised by the amount of laughing you bunch gave me.... my therapist, says *sniff* I should just LET IT GO *wail*.....*sniff* no I'm okay... keep it together, keep it together....'


And now for the last award of the evening the "Argh Cobras!" award for the sneakiest online player

This was one of the most difficult awards for this evening's judges, they couldn't find any of the nominees, and any time anyone bad-mouthed one of the nominees, they would find their breakfasts had been tampered with, and a small box of Milk Tray would be left to their beds, with not chocolates but a large dump inside....sneaky feckers

Anyway here's the nominees

• TedCurley (presenter dodges hidden C4)
• jackalackus (presenter dodges sniper bullet)
• The-A-Niall-ator (presenter dodges Irish accent)

And the winner is...... TedCurley

Presenter: "Ted where are you?'
*Diembodied Voice*: I'd first like to say thanks to all those who voted for me, and the SAS who trained me, as well as all those people that drove here this evening
Presenter: "Drove here? What do you mean'
*Dismbodied Voice * : Well I've just nicked all your wheels and told the coppers your all terrorists....
Presenter: " You sneaky son of a ...."